My mom always has a low-life boyfriend and other delimmas(sp)...?!
Question: My mom always has a low-life boyfriend and other delimmas(sp)...?
1.) She was married to a man with multiple personality disorders...who one time when I was in second grade...he snapped threw knives at her...and I was in my room listening, scared, not knowing what happened until the next day. ***This has tramatized me grately***
2.)She dated a druggy when I was in the 6-7th grade...and they always fought one time he threw everyting off the dressers in her room including the VCR...it looked like a F5 tornado went through it..you seriously couldn't even see the floor...it took her the whole day while I was at school to clean it up...she never bought groceries...I had to steal money from her purse to get lunch at school...at the end of this I lost my brother in a car wreck. ***This tramatized me too.*** The bad part is I tell my mom that this guy is bad news and I don't like being around him and she defended him.
...The summer after i finished 7th grade I decided to move to my dads 5 or so hrs away....thinking it would be better....WRONG...he is a full blown alcoholic...Blared music on full blast *no exageration* when I had school the next moring...He always said hurtful things to me...one example whould be that I killed my brother...that I (along with my mom)...put the cop up to running into my bothers car...ummm NO...I was in bed and had no Idea where he was that night b/c he didn't tell me...I remember three things from that day/night that i will never forget...1.) Right before he left he said death was the easy way out and people shouldn't take the easy way out...2.) I remember for some odd reason nagging my mom for not keeping up with where he was going...she didn't know where he went either (I never did that before) 3.) Right before he left I asked where he was going and If I could go...his reply "No...and Its none of your business...*I am surprized I graduated living with my alcoholic dad...then after I graduated I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and cousin for 2 years...which wasn't good either...they chained smoked a lot and barely bought groceries...now I'm living with my cousin who doesn't help me do anything...no dishes, no helping to pay rent...and says the reason is because I owe for staying with his mom/dad for 2 years after I graduated
...Now I am 24 trying to mend my relationship with my mom, she is doing really good for her self...she is going to college...has an $18/hr full time LPN job...BUT...SURPRISE bad boyfriend again I honeslty think he is using her for her money...he smokes pot (never smoked it my self, just know the smell from working at a cheap motel)...I smelt it when I came to visit her...he drinks whiskey and yells at her...again tell her, I don't want to be around that after living with my dad...and she defends her bf...I just don't get why if she likes all these other low-lifes, why didn't she just stay with my dad...She says she loves me and I am number one priority in her life...I for some reason think her bfs are, she always says what they do isn't wrong, and I'm wrong for having problems with them...and I am not jealous...If she had a decent bf I would be so happy for her...because of all this trama...I do not trust people, I am VERY shy, I have trouble keeping a job, I am gonna try to go to college for substance abuse counceling.....because of these and moral reasons...I do not/ never have smoked, don't even like to be around it, don't/never have done drugs, and don't/never have drank. I really need a therapist, but can't afford one...Does anyone have any advice or encouraging words for me? have any of you been through similar situations, how did you handle it?
Answers:
Whoa Sweetie,
I'm very sorry for you, you've come from some pretty hard roads but you've pulled through resiliently not to repeat the mistakes of your parents. Honey your parents have proven they are flawed and human and seem to make disastrous choices for themselves instead of focusing on making the right choices for your advancement in life. I feel very sorry for you, please accept my deepest sympathy over the loss of your brother. That is really sad news. Ignore what your Dad said about blaming you for your brothers tragic death, that does nothing for your self esteem and shouldn't have a place in your memory from this day forward. Your Dad is drunk and will get emotionally confused and blame everyone but himself. Your mother feels she needs the support of a man, obviously she drinks, smokes and does drugs herself I'm assuming why she seems to find the sh*t of low society to form relationships with? Your mother's insecurities are what makes her desire someone to comfort her and she's attracting the wrong men. Still... at least she has a full time job.
As for groceries, you know to rely on yourself in that arena, you don't live with your mother anymore to depend on her to supply you with food.
You don't owe your cousin sh*t and you need to tell the lazy bugger to wake up and start helping you out. Your aunty and uncle are your family and needed to step in and help you when they did. But that doesn't mean you owe your cousin for it. Tell him you have every desire to repay your aunty and uncle by being a success with your life financially, socially, emotionally, physically and spiritually. He has no right top demand a debt from you as you owe him nothing. He helps out with cleaning, cooking etc and paying the rent or you leave and get your own place. You can do it. You've got to believe in yourself and your own ability to slice through all this trouble and commotion and head out into the world with the skills and desire to do it on your own and become a success. Just because your parents have fallen apart doesn't mean you have no right to success and prosperity darling. If anything you have MORE of a right to!
Last but not least don't worry about anyone but yourself, your parents have made their decisions to be the WAY they are. It's not by your doing it's by their own choice. You are not their baby sitter. It's time you grew up and took charge of your future now. You have every potential to be whatever you want. Stop thinking about what you cannot afford (which is how your parents have always thought and fought about correct?) and think instead about what you will 'like to afford'. View life as magical and full of wonders for you to have, don't think of life as a world of limitations. There are creations you can make for your life if you just believe in what's truly important for you. Get yourself ahead in your own way, read, study, work hard, get a cat as a pet, your own furniture, wardrobe of nice clothes. You can have them if you are willing to find a way to get them (without stealing them). You've just got to believe in yourself and your dreams will come true.
Make plans to be someone in your life, focus only on what you want to achieve, don't waste your time thinking of other peoples problems, especially your parents. They are their problems to own and sort out, it's not your responsibility ok. I know you love your Mom but then men she chooses to have in her life are her distractions, don't make them yours. Your responsibility and focus is about getting your life in order independently so you owe no one nothing. Everything you do is for you and only you until you meet someone to spend your life with. Be wise, (use your greatest gift) trust your instincts and only ever look forward and up. There is not enough time to constantly look behind it does nothing but bind you. Break forward darling, you owe it to yourself.
Head up, shoulders back and take care ok. May you be blessed with all the luck love and happiness in the world.
You do sound like a strong survivor, who knows the difference between good /bad, sane /insane, helpful and unhelpful, and all that. Good for you.
This is NOT a therapy, counseling, chat or friend site, however.
You are aware that your mom needs therapy, and to realize she is attracting these type of 'low life' losers into her life because that is what she is most familiar with apparently, and yes, has low self esteem.
That doesn't mean you have to do the same as she did. You can also see the differences.
People will be attracted subconsciously to what they are raised with or what influences them IF they are not aware consciously of that and if they don't take steps to avoid it.
You can avoid that in your own life, one way would be to learn what the characterists are you are looking for, and some basic psychology in an understandable way. You will have to be careful not to be drawn to mentally ill women and men with substance abuse issues . You are probably taking the role of parent or rescuer or something , these roles are common way of defining what role you are playing in the dynamics of the people around you.. Attend an alanon meeting also.
As far as your relationship with your mom, All you can do is tellher your view, and learn to detach from her and the natural deep desire you have for her to be happy, well, a good role model, and the type of mom you want and need. Most people do not have that in their lives, and if they do they are fortunate indeed.
That means you can go on with your life, consciously bring healthy happy, supportive, loving, functional drug and addiction free people into your life.
If you need help in telling her your thoughts and feelings, you can find a drug therapist, a rehab place a therapist familiar with the well known pattern of drug abuse, repeating patterns from childhood, low self esteem and the like. It would seem that if she is becoming a nurse, she will have to learn and know those patterns sooner or later.
But, no matter what she does or doesn't do,, you can go on with your life, and should.
Here is a healing method that would help resolve, dissolve and remove the pain and bad messages and feelings from your childhood so you can move on. Here is the free self help version, eftuniverse.com click on 'get started free. There is a video there of a woman who cleared herself of all her pain , like yours, all by herself. It took her a few months, but she did it. REgular therapy would say there is no 'cure' and would take years and years. Here are the therapists trained in the method eftmastersworldwide.com
Best wishes to creating your best life, with or without your mom.
bbbs.org doublesunrise.com teenrelationships.org girlsinc.org startstrongteens.org
EDIT: I KNOW you love your mom. That is why all this is so painful to you. You have to realize that your mom is making these decisions, and that there is nothing you can do about her decisions, except ask her to get the help she deserves. You may have to look up 'tough love ' and talk to someone about this at a rehab place or therapist for you to understand the dynamics and your role in it all.
You can talk all this out with a therapist also. This is NOT a therapy , chat or counseling site. It is question and answers only.
x
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You went through allot and you appear like your a survivor and you seem like a strong independent woman even though you been through allot you have come out on the other end strong. If you cant afford counselling talk to people on here its just as good as counselling good luck in your direction of life.