Is anyone else crying? I can't stop crying. I need help and I can't find it.?!

Is anyone else crying? I can't stop crying. I need help and I can't find it.?

I am really terrified I am going to screw up my relationship with a man who has been with me for 5 years. I always get to this part and then I get so scared I can't move forward. He wants me to move to be with him, he is now living 2,000 miles away from me.

My family and my friends and my job are here. I have a really good job. I will not have a good job there and I will be alone while he is working a huge number of hours.

I love him and he has asked me to marry him. We've been engaged for several years because I can't seem to move forward. I am so scared right now because I have nothing to show for my life. I have no kids and have never been married and I am so unhappy all the time. I can't seem to stop crying.

I've seen counselors, I've taken anti depressants, I have tried to help myself but I can't seem to drag myself out of this. I am sitting here crying my eyes out right now thinking that I don't want to live a life like this. As I get older....

2 days ago
it just seems to get worse. I have worn out my friends, my family. No one seems to be able to help me. I want help, I'm trying to help myself and I just can't seem to dig out.

I only want a family and a life that I love. Is that so much to ask? I want to have kids and a husband that loves me and I have to move 2,000 miles away to get it? On a chance?

2 days ago
Yes, there is a rush. I have been making him wait for years because I can't move forward. He offered to come here, I told him no. We have been together a long time. I told him no because I was afraid he would not like it and I love him so much I didn't want to do that to him. But now he's doing it to me, asking me to move with him. He says he will take care of me and that things will be ok. Something is not letting me move forward and I can't stop crying about it. I have a deadline of 5 more months to make this move.

I am just so afraid that I will not be happy that I keep myself in this same spot where I clearly am not happy right now. It's terrible.

I don't need any jesus advice. I also don't need people telling me that I can make a conscious decision to NOT be unhappy. I can't. It doesn't work. I can think happy all I want and I am still miserable. I cry all the time. I can't go anywhere without having to go to the bathroom and silently scream and cry.

2 days ago
More....

I know people are worse off than me. I know this. I wish I could switch them places, I do. I do not know why I can't be happy!

Ahh Catwoman, welcome to the world of decisions! I so understand your situation as it parrallels my own life. You have a job you like, cloaked in the love of a family you are obviously close to and being teased away from your comfortable surroundings into the unknown and all the implied risk, exciting is very close to scary.
As a surfer I know very well that passing up a beautiful wave is just that, a missed opportunity.
I paddle out in big waves that I fear but know I have the experience to ride at best and survive if all goes bad. To me the missed wave is a symbol of my ability, to try and test all my limits in life is what we all must go for it or risk staying safe and stagnant, wrapped in our mums arms. If you really do love this guy give it a shot, sure you may wipeout, so what, you have a comforting backup place to recover for another attempt or you might keep your head and have the wave of your life!
You've been seeing him for 5 years so you and only you know if he is right for you
but it sounds good.
Is the job your lifes passion? Can you use the alone time in the new place to study and advance that or better jobs, develop your creativity and skills? Will just seeing and kissing his smiling face when he sees you at home after a long day be enough? It can be.
I suffer from depression and have made so many more mistakes in my life (I am 49, single, broke and happy) than my friends but I have lived a vastly more interesting life than most from "going for it!" more than not. The mistakes, bad at the time become laughable after a few years and define at least what you dont want, so you can try again in another direction.
Counselors are OK but learning how to tell a good joke is better. It sounds like there is something missing from your life and you have an interesting change possible, give it a go, use the opportunity, find that which gives YOU the most satisfaction.
If that is on the deck of a fishing boat or on Wall street, no matter, be aware of your own needs and dreams and aim for it especially if that dream is "impossible" because nothing is, it may just take a little longer than you think to accomplish.
I know well that paddling onto a huge wave can be scary but its so intense you can do nothing but continue or pull out, no time to think of anything else but the moment, no time to cry, no certainty either way except the sure regret of a missed chance. My advice in a nutshell...
Use your time as if you were predestined to die in six months (you probably wont!), find something that makes you laugh, learn to make others laugh,
develop a passion for your dream, you have someone to love and who presumably loves you, after 5 years you should be considering yourself a lucky girl. Cowabunga dudette start paddling and go for it! Have the ride of your life!