New fight with old enemy (depression)?!
Question:
New fight with old enemy (depression)?
After 25 years of depression, 6 years of suicidal depression, and diagnoses of borderline with severe depression and BPD, I finally got on the right meds and got stable for two years.
Wednesday night something pushed me back over the edge and I was whoosh! Suddenly suicidal. I mean it took me a minute to go from being okay to upset to suicidal. I haven't even thought of hurting myself for two years - and BAM, I spent 5 hours grasping for something - anything - to keep me from overdosing.
I stayed suicidal yesterday; today the SI is gone (thank GOD) but the depression remains and I feel like I've totally regressed. I thought I was DONE with SI (suicidal ideation) but this has me wondering if it will never really be gone.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? How did you deal with the self-disappointment over letting yourself fall back into this stupid pit? Did you find your way out? Was it the same thing that helped the first time? Did I bring this on myself?
3 days ago
markbdarkus, please contact me. I'd like to talk to you more about your answer if I may.
Also - I misspoke. I have bipolar with severe depression, and the BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. One is a mental illness, the other is a behavior disorder - they both cause mood swings, but have completely different sources and different treatment approaches. Sorry about that.
Answers:
No, you did not bring it on yourself, and it is not your fault. Depression is caused by a chemical/hormonal imbalance, not anything you do.
You should feel proud of yourself that you were able to keep yourself from suicide! If you ever feel suicidal again, please call a suicide hotline, they can talk you through the bad part so you don't have to go through it alone.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad; it's the pits, I know. And disappointing. But check with your doctor, let him/her know that the depression broke through. You may need a change in dose, or a switch to a new med.
Please take care of yourself, and good luck.