Tethered to suicide?!


Question:

Tethered to suicide?

Two years stable on meds, I can count on two hands the number of times I've even felt depressed and not just sad or moody.

Had a good day today, fun at church, fed well on the Word, got home and sat down at the computer, and from nowhere it hits - my pill bottles seem more like cookie jars, especially those two. One pill out of either bottle lays me out cold. Empty both bottles and ... yeah.

Wrote in my journal, emailed a friend, prayed, used ALL my DBT and positive coping skills, and the cookie jars are still there. Just one, one won't hurt. But you can't eat just one, they're so goooood, just one more and one more and one more until they're gone and I'm as empty as the cookie jar.

I can't get sick again now. He needs me. He won't be able to take it if I get sick, he's had enough. He's had too much. I can't tell him.

Too late to call pastor, can't tell hubby, losing ground and can't find anything to grasp onto. This can't be happening.

Savvy?

Additional Details

5 days ago
Bipolar with severe depression and borderline personality disorder. Depression for 25 years, suicidal depression for 7. Yeah, I'm doing a great job at "acting" like I'm crazy. Thanks, big help there.

Been hospitalized 25+ times in 6 years. Not effective for borderlines because it creates an artificially low-stress environment and serves as an escape rather than an effective form of treatment.

Stable for two years - NO suicidal thoughts, very rarely depressed, on meds and in therapy and in a great church. No reason for relapse, no trigger.

Suicide attempt in '05 using pills - haven't been tempted since then until suddenly (the key word here being "suddenly") I'm back at this point.

Can't talk to husband; he lived in Room 1408 (reference to the movie) for 6 years, I can't send him back in. Called crisis hotlines so many times I know their schpiel better than they do.

Working on surviving until therapist appt tomorrow morning. Hoping someone can throw me a line.


Answers:

Hold on there, Bessy.
Instead of enjoying the computer, do something physical that gets you occupied long enough to shake or overpower the magnetism from the cookie jars.
If you're not in a support group specific to your need (in addition to your church affiliation), find one and be diligent about engagement with it. You have to take your own steps to your own recovery. At least you'll be keeping company with someone you know and like (or will like more as time goes on).
As you know, prayer is the connection between ourselves and the living God. Talk to him more, let your communication with him reach new dimensions. You'll be inspired and uplifted if you do.
You put one finger in that cookie jar, I'm slapping your knuckles. Behave and God bless.
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