Trusting Men?!


Question:

Trusting Men?

I recently read a book called "The Natural History of Rape" which proposes that men are predisposed to rape women because it is part of an evolutionary adaption for males to try to procreate with as many women as possible, even by force. As much as this theory hurts me as a victim, what I found most upsetting was how many men I know who, not only agreed with it, but also admitted to me that if they could force a woman to have sex and not get caught, they would probably do it. These men were insensitive jerks either. Most of them were regular guys just being honest about an aspect of male sexuality. But as a victim it makes me feel hateful towards all men and mistrustful of any motives they may have. I know I will never let myself be open to man but this commits me to a life of being eternally alone. Does anyone have any advice on how to recover from being a victim of a rape, how to regain your sense of trust and faith in humanity while also facing the ugly truth?


Answers:

Hi,
First off, let me express my empathy with every woman who has been raped. I have played the victim role several times in my life, and amongst the perpetrators were husband or other trusted boyfriends.
As I see it now, the burden of responsibility for my own health and welfare lies squarely on MY shoulders.
I have learned to not try and argue with someone else's justifications or explanations. Rather, I have learned to set boundaries.
Also, I have come away with a gem of understanding the nature of trust - what it means and what it does not mean:
Example: I trust in gravity to hold my body on this planet. I also trust it to kill me should I allow myself to fall from a great height.
I trust in communication, but I trust more my instincts and observations of my environment:
If a man tells me that he thinks rape is justified because of his 'male nature', that is NOT a male I would spend time with alone.
By the same token, I inherently trust anybody, male or female, to be friendly until they show me the FIRST sign of caution:
Example: Justifying violent behavior 'because of their nature'.

Hate and mistrust hurt me more than the people I judge. Therefore, I do not hate or mistrust on principle. I do set boundaries, and if ONE of my boundaries is challenged, I expect others to be as well. At this point, I become cautious. I might set backup plans in motion or stop dealing with that person altogether.
It's a funny thing about humanity and camels, let me explain:
We have all heard about the 'straw that broke the camel's back".
A camel in itself is a very useful and trustworthy animal. She can carry your load across a desert and provide you with transportation where other weight-bearing animals would fail. She is also a very opinionated animal and is likely to remember any insult to her Being, and take vengeful action.
This is a camel. Take it or leave it, but don't try to make it into something else.
A human is someone who has his or her own agenda, can be communicated with, can be trusted with a lot of issues. A human also has limitations in performance. Some will never rise above pre-conceived notions or inherited beliefs. Some will excel in creativity but lack in relationship savvy.
That is a human. Take it or leave it, but don't try to change it into a 'God'.
Trust begins with trusting YOURSELF to know what you want and what you don't want. Rape is apparently what you don't want.
Rape begins much earlier than the act of rape. It begins with a disrespect of your person, your values, your decisions.
As an adult, you CAN make decisions about all these and OWN your territory - to the point of defending it.
Defending your territory begins with the word "NO". Don't say 'YES', or even "MAYBE" when you FEEL "NO".
Then insist that those who are allowed into YOUR space respect your space, just like you would ask people to use certain manners within your house.
Be your own best friend. Allow yourself any and all pleasure you can create for yourself, and don't worry about social or peer judgment. Being independent contributes to the ability to choose: to say "NO" when you mean it and "YES" when you mean that.
Finally, divorce yourself from the notion that only ONE person should be able to fulfill all your needs for: sex, companionship, intellectual sharing, fun, responsible family planning, security.
Face the ugly past which does not have to be an ugly truth in your presence. Forgive, but don't forget the lessons in boundary setting you have learned.
Then trust the camel to be a camel. Gravity to be gravity. Humans to be humans. Yourself to be yourself.




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