I am really lost.....?!

I am really lost.....?

I have totally lost myself in my relationship with my boyfriend. I know i have been much to clingy and needy lately. My father is dying and i have been under so much stress. He says he does not mind me leaning on him, but lately he has told me he is having doubts about were he is in his life and wants to go to a therapist. I said that i will support him. My problem is that i want us to move in together , we have been together over a year, and he says he is not ready and is not sure if that would be a good idea. I am 5 years older then him and really want to move forward with the relationship. I am scared that i have pushed him away because of my neediness but feel confused on how to handle this. I cannot talk about our future because of his boubts and mine feels so unstable with my dad's health. How can i get my self confidence back? Any help out there?

Hi,
I can understand that you need some support right now and are naturally turning to your boyfriend for that support. I'm not so sure I would call it clingy, it's just that you're grieving because your father is dying and also you are probably having fears because your boyfriend is not ready to be as commited to the relationship as you are.

But you should appreciate your boyfriend's honesty in letting you know that he's not ready to move in together. It could be because he wants to get some treatment and feel more grounded in his life. It could also be because he has fears of making a commitment and that he's not sure about how he feels about the relationship between you and him.

I know you said you can't talk to him about this right now, which is understandable because of the stress you're under, so the best thing to do is to take care of your emotional well-being and spend some quality time with your father. I guess what I'm saying is that your boyfriend needs to focus on himself right now, and you need to focus on you. Trying to sort out the relationship at this time sounds like it would be way to difficult and only add to your grief.

Which brings us back to support for you during this time. Your boyfriend says he doesn't mind you leaning on him so that's good to hear. But you also need other outlets for your grief process so that he doesn't get too overwhelmed. One thing I'd highly suggest would be to get in touch with a local Hospice in your area. They almost always offer group or individual grief counseling that is free of charge. When my parents were both ill I took advantage of this and it was great. They have trained and compassionate people who can help and also they usually have a lot of books and literature about grief that you can read through. So call them (they're usually listed in the phone book or your local hospital may know) and ask them about what they have to offer. Another option would be to see a therapist who specializes in grief counseling.

I think your confidence may be shakey right now because of what's going on with your father being sick and the fears of your relationship. It's no wonder, because the world is kind of falling around you right now, but once you get some additional support I think that your confidence will begin to return. Do you have other family members or friends that you can connect with during this time? It's always so much better to have a network of support rather than relying on one person, because even if that person loves you, there's only so much they can give.

So, look for some extended support, spend as much time as you can with your father, let yourself go through this grieving process and then you can eventually start to focus more on the relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't want to continue then, as hard as it may be to handle, there's not much you can do to change it. Just keep in mind that it doesn't mean you're unloveable or did anything wrong. Sometimes it's just not meant to be. Then, if for some reason this happens, you can look for a relationship with someone who has similar goals to yours.

I understand this is very hard for you and you sound like a kind and giving person. Just remember to give some of that kindness to yourself right now and take care of yourself. :)

P.S. One more thing that may help, is for you and your boyfriend to eventually get couple's counseling together.

I wish you all the best