Life with BPD/Depression?!

Life with BPD/Depression?

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year in December during an admission in a Psychiatric ward, I was there for 2 weeks, they also diagnosed with something else called Adjustment Disorder. My life has been a rollercoaster since the age of about 14 (I'm 20). I can be high as a kite & caring/loving etc one minute, aggressive/narcicisstic/contro... the next, deeply depressed/suicidal the next. I have trust issues with men especially, (was sexually abused as a child & then as a teenager), feel the need to control all my surroundings and do not know how to deal with loss. I have an addiction to marijuana & I have also started drinking when I am depressed & have nothing 2 smoke. I haven't self-harmed for a long time (3months-ish), but have suicidal thoughts frequently. Suicide is always in the back of my head, even when things are going ok. I have so many secrets I am hiding that hurt, I think I have a sexual addiction,I know that I lie often & I hate it

2 weeks ago
I don't understand why I lie about some of the things I do, some r just stupid things, so why lie? When the words come out I'm thinking: "Thats's bullshit, why did I say that?" I don't lie all the time but often enough to make me feel like **** knowing that I'm being dishonest. I'm almost always in some sort of relationship or dating someone, I feel so hopeless & empty when I am not. I'm not a bad person & I know that I have potential 2 succeed in life, I know I want 2 get better but maybe I don't want it enough? Some of the things that have happened over the years 2 me..I can't describe them here. I have clear dreams of murdering various people in my life or that used 2 be. I visualise hurting them badly sometimes while in the same room. I have a fixation with death & dying, various diseases, a fascination with blood & the list goes on. On top of all this I also believe in God and know that my life is going nowhere good at this stage. I do not know what to do. I am on medication.

2 weeks ago
The medications I am taking are: Paxtine (Paroxetine), Sodium Valpro (Valproate), Temezepam.

my best friend has the same problems, she takes ablify and that helps for the most part. good understanding friends that you can talk to help a lot as well