How do you cope with knowing you couldn't keep a death bed promise?!


Question:

How do you cope with knowing you couldn't keep a death bed promise?

My mom recently passed[June 22,07] from overian cancer.She made me promise to "hold on".While all the other relatives were telling her to go on over,I held on.
I was there when she took her last breath,still holding on.She went peacefuly.And now I can't get the picture of her taking her last breath out of my mind.I'm losing sleep and weight.My doctor says I'm in a deep grief depression,but I refuse to take meds.
I can't get over this feeling of helplessness that I couldn't keep her promise.Can anyone give me some encourageing advice on coping with this? Blessings! Ladybug

Additional Details

2 weeks ago
I am a very spiritual person and know that my mom is with me always.And I held strong to my faith through all her suffering, that God is holding her close to him.I know she is happier now that she isn't suffering any more.Thanks for your loving words of encouragement.


Answers:

Losing someone who is close to you is always difficult, but when it is a parent and one who has not lived what we would call a full lifetime it has to be extremely difficult . I feel really sorry for you and send lots of hugs and good wishes. Grief is a natural reaction after death of a loved one and you are grieving right now. That is OK, and you may go though other emotions as you realize all the implications of no longer having your mother in your life. However, do not beat yourself up because of her death. It was not your fault, I am sure the medical profession did everything they could for her. It was her time to go, we do not know why, nor can any of us do anything to change that. From what you said you did not break your promise to your mother. You were strong you did what you said you would do, you were there with her supporting her, and helping her give up her life. Many, many daughters could not have stood by their mother during this time as they would have had to leave the room and not witness this event. You were strong, you took your mother to the doorstep and passed her on. That is what she wanted, you, her daughter to hold her hand to be with her, to make as much of the journey with her as you possibly could. You did not leave her alone, you did not try to push her as the other relatives did, you stood tall, while you may not have said so with words, your actions said "mother I am here with you, you do not have to do this on your own, you and I are going to do this together, I have your hand and am holding on as long as you need me". You were the support your mother wanted, you did not let her down. Now, naturally, you are sad, you are lonely, and you feel somehow you did not do everything you could for your mother. This is not so, and you know it, but your other emotions have taken over for now, but as your world opens up again you can be proud of yourself for the strength you showed your mother, and the comfort you gave her. She gave you life, and wants you to live your life to the fullest, your last actions with her showed her you are truly the daughter she expected, and she left life very proud of you. One thing you might want to do when the guilt, sorrow, and flashbacks hit you is write a letter to your mother - tell her what you are thinking, how difficult it is remembering the final seconds with her, what a difficult time you are having with your own life now that she is gone because you want to be sure you were holding on with her. Tell her you are sorry your could not do more for her, but you are know going to get your life back together so that you can continue in her memory to be the daughter she turned to at the end. You may have to write several letters to really express all of your feelings, that is OK your mother will understand. Also don't be afraid to find a therapist you can talk to. Your mother doesn't want you to ruin your life because of her death. Press on and be proud of your part in helping your mother peacefully pass over, if you had not been there holding her hand it may not have been so peacefully. Good luck to you, you sound like an exceptional daughter who shared a lot of love with her mother.




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