I have reached the ten year mark?!

I have reached the ten year mark?

This wasn't supposed to happen. This July 4th was supposed to be my deadline for how long I would let myself grieve my mother's death. I have been a wreck ever since then and have only seemed to worsen over time. Despite seeing several counselors and being on anti-depressants off and on over the years I am beginning to think I will never be okay again. I cry every single day. I try so hard not to, but I can't stop myself. I'm starting to forget her. It started with her voice and now I can no longer see a clear image of her face in my head. I literally have NO ONE. If I did, maybe I wouldn't be in this much pain still. I don't know what to do. It feels like the best years of my life have slipped away and I have spent them being miserable. In the meantime I derive zero pleasure from living. I hate everyone I know. There is so much anger inside of me I feel like I am going to explode. I am afraid of everyone and everything to the point that I barely leave the house. The only reason I am posting such a personal question is because I desperately need help. Does anyone have any light to shed on this situation? How does one learn to be happy? I have tried not defining myself as depressed because I think labels only prolong the pain. Other than that, I don't know what to do to make things better.

2 weeks ago
I have tried Paxil and Prozac in the past. Maybe it would help if I visited her grave (in 10 years I have not gone once b/c I wanted to remember her face, not a tombstone), but I don't think that is the answer to all my problems. I said I have no one because I really can't stand my remaining living family members (all males). It does me more harm than good to be around them. Also, I have lost all of my friends. I never talked about my depression with them because I didn't want to be a "downer" to be around, but I have a feeling that they have abandoned me b/c I have changed so drastically. I am so fearful and self-conscious now when I used to be extremely outgoing and optimistic. Also, I have really severe social anxiety disorder and I'm afraid to drive. On the few occasions I have tried making friends I have gotten hurt. I don't have any relatives to turn to.

My mother passed away about 2 years ago and though I don't have any wonderful wisdom of how to make the pain disappear, I can share that I hurt just as much. I felt as though I lost my best friend when cancer took my mother from me and my only comfort was knowing that I had my friends and family to lean on. I am sorry that you feel so badly that you can't seem to leave your home. I hope that you will force yourself to atleast reach out to someone. A friend, a former co-worker even a pastor of just about any church will take the time to talk if you need someone to listen. I know that you feel like you don't have anyone or anything to live for now that your mother has been gone. Being happy isn't learned, its earned. I understand the pain, its hard...the first thing I would suggest is get out of the house. Go for a walk, find a hobby, join a club or even take a class one day a week. Just do something that lets you mingle with others and take your mind off your mother for a few hours. Don't worry about the forgetfulness, its never gone forever. Look at photos of her, find friends of hers that can share stories of happy times. Our lost loved ones are never truly gone from our lives...we are the ones that share their legacy. Your mom was a very wonderful woman I am sure, and I know you must've loved her very much. Think of it this way, she is in heaven looking down on you right now. Don't you think she wants to see you happy and living life to its fullest? Don't you think that she may be sad that you have mourned for so long? She gave you life, that was her gift to you...let your gift to her be your love and enjoy the gift she has given you. Its not selfish, please talk to someone to help you work out the anger issues. If you need to beat the daylights out of something take up kickboxing...not only is it good exercise...you can really release a lot of aggression. Good luck and remember, you're never alone. Please seek help, I hope this has inspired you. Take care.