Suggestions on how to deal with BPD?!

Suggestions on how to deal with BPD?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been through treatment, gone through therapy and was on psychiatric medication, I even had a brief stay at psychiatric hospital. That's not the really why I am asking my question though.

Here is my problem: I don't have very much money anymore. I can't afford treatment like I used to.

There are times I feel like I lose myself inside mind. I'm sneaky, I'm manipulative, I'm hurtful, controlling, - on top of all that, I loathe myself to my very core, I feel like I have a layer of bad, of evil coating my skin... half the time... the other half of the time I feel like no on appreciates how great I am and no one loves me.

I want to stop, I want to have control of myself, I want to be ok - things were getting better when I was on medication, when I was seeing a psychologist, but I can't afford it anymore.

At this point I am open to any suggestions anyone can make. Anything would help - please.

You should take a walk in the park, or have a cup of tea. Or you can do an art thing, like draw or something. write it down on paper.
Hm...
go to the part and sit there, staring at a tree, or talking to a tree.... while drawing or writing....
Hm...
Try to just take a walk and notice the people around you, the small details of your suroundings? What do they remind you of?