Is this wrong?!

Is this wrong?

Four almost five years ago, I was r*ped. I was drinking, and this guy had someone else driving down the road so he could do this to me in the back seat of his van. I remember trying to push him off of me and yelling to him to stop, but he kept doing it as if nothing bothered him. It was as if he was made of steel or something, I tried to get away, but I just could not...there is no place to go, in a moving vehicle. I remember bits and peices of it, like what I just mentioned and also how he lyed on top of me and was pushing down on me, so I could not move. I reported what I remember to the police and they tried to find him, but apperaently he fled the state or maybe even country, I don't know. It's the classic R*pe thing, where he actually forced himself inside. Oh yeah, I also remember the driver laughing as it was happening. I was SO embarrassed and felt violated very much.The horrid memories still haunt me till this very day. Is that wrong that I can not forget about it?

2 weeks ago
Is it also wrong, that I sort of blame myself for what happened, because I was drinking?

2 weeks ago
Thanks so far everyone. I think I will go see someone about this...It's just been to long now. I tried everything that I could, and I could not grab his genitals and twist them, because he was, inside of me already.....:((

It's not unusual that you have a hard time forgetting such a painful incident. Contrary to what most people in the "recovered memories" camp believe, painful events like that get stuck in your memory rather than repressed.

Many survivors of horrific events feel guilty about surviving them. For sexual assault victims, there is often an unspoken assumption that they played some roll in being victimized by "leading on" their attackers. Nobody has the right to force sexual behaviour on another human being, regardless of the circumstances.

I don't know what to say about helping you get over your feelings. Therapy can be helpful, but it takes time and involves reliving painful things. There is a new and somewhat controversial psychological therapy called EMDR (see http://www.emdr.com/) that is often helpful for people who have undergone traumatic events. It may be worthwhile looking into it.

As difficult as it may seem, you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened. Your attacker made a decison to act in an indecent, inhumane, and unhuman manner. The blame should rest with him and him alone.

I'll tell you a story from my family history to put that last point in perspective. My parents grew up in Nazi Germany; both were teen-agers during World War II. When Russian troops invaded German soil in the East, they started raping and killing German women. A Russian general complained about this to Joseph Stalin, the dictator of what was then the U.S.S.R; Stalin replied "let the boys have a little fun." In short, Russian troops had permission from the highest level to rape and kill German women. When the Russians invaded my mother's village, she heard that they were raping all the women and ran to a house near the forest to try and escape. She ran for the back door and was stunned to find a Russian soldier guarding the door. He looked at her and motioned with his head that she should run for the woods. This soldier had every reason to rape my mother; he had permission from the highest level, and the Germans had killed 20 million Russians, so there was no love lost there. He made a decision that he was going to behave decently in an environment in which everyone would have encouraged him to commit rape.

Your attacker bears the responsibility for his actions, and nobody else.