What is wrong with me?!

What is wrong with me?

I know that I have OCD. But I am 14 and I never ever feel alone. I am scared that someone is watching me. All the time! I don't feel safe at all. There is even times when I will go into a corner of my room and roll up in a ball. I am terrifed. Then I feel like I have to do everything perfect so I know that I am a perfectionist. But when I feel watched I look over my shoulder. Then since I have OCD I have to keep looking over my shoulder. I do wierd routines and everything. I just don't know what exactly to do anymore. And I really don't want to go to a doctor. Please just help and/or give me advice. Thank you.

If you ahve not been labled by a professional OCD, be careful about labeling yourself. One, O stands for Obessive, which means things like you can't stop thinking about an issue, a subject, a person, a thought that just kepts going over and over agian in your mind. C stands for Compulisve, which means you feel you have to do something, usually something repedative in order to feel better, such as someone who washes their hands again adn again and feels that something horrible will happen to them if they don't, but washing once is not enough. The feeling that you have to shut the door twice, or check repeatedly to see if you've turned off the burner on the stove, even though you already checked, you saw that it was off. D stands for disorder.

I had OCD and got myself over it without help when I was young. I kind of got it from living in a violent life, and so I feared so many things, then I had amother who cleaned and cleaned and I picked up that ehavior as a coping mechanism.

One day when I was 21 years old and seriously ill at home from a radiation burn, long stoy about that. But I went through about two weeks when I was getting sicker and sick because of the burn. My lungs were full of fluid and I felt like dying, yet I went and did wash, becuase I felt I couldn't die with dirty clothes, then I felt I had to clean my house by grawling around on my hands and knees, becuase I couldn't die with a dirty home. I spend a week after that in bed, barely able to walk the ten feet tot he bathroom; had to sleep on the toilet before walking back to bed, that's how sick I was. It was during that time I finally asked myself; is it helping me to fear everything? Am I safer for it? The answer to both those quetions was no. Am I enjoying life at all? NO. If I died today, will have living in fear, being compulsive about cleaing the house have benefited me one single thing? NO. The questions went on like that. I realized it was all emotional and I had the control; I could keep worrying or I could stop and walk away from the behaviors.

I prayed and asked my Heavenly Father to hel me; that he knew I didn't want to live that way and I knew that wasn't the life he wanted for me. I refused to do repetative things and it was hard the first six months. I also put a not on my calander and only allowed myself to clean twice a week at most. I stopped going back to see if lights were turned of; the oven and stove I had to write on my hand that it was off at first, becuase I still felt the strong urge that I might be wrong and it might be on. I'd look at the note that said, Stove and Oven are off. Then refused to go back and check again.

Your mind is still developing, you too can chose to change it's learn behaviors. You also have to realize that compulsive behaviors, obsessive behaviors are a sign that you are not right within yourself. What I mean by that is it's a sign you need to work something out. Maybe you let people walk all over you; so the only things you feel you can control is the obessive htings, so you do them to feel in control. If that's true for you, even if you lose friends, you have got to stop letting people walk all over you. Will you lose friends; yes, but once you respect yourself, you'll make better friends; people who don't use others. I lost a dear freind when I finally said a few years back to the few who used me; you may not treat me in the following ways. I want to be your friend, but this behavior will not be talorated by me anymore. Two people stopped the bad behaviors, one didn't. We'd been friends for 20 years, but guess what, I actually feel better now that I'm not always allowing her to use me, and disrespect me.

If you were abused and you've not worked it through, you've got to work it through and you've got to tell if you've not told and know that no one deserves abuse.

Being you are 14 her is something you can do for yourself. Get a large binder or journal with a spiral spine. One direction, such as from the front to the back you write things in it you have, things you are thankful for, the good things in life, including the positive people in your life. Then you flip it around and write from what is the back of the journal in an upside down position, so you are writing as though from the front, do you get what I mean? I hope you do. In that part, you beleive to write your life story, the good, the bad, the uggly, your sorrows, your jobs. It helps in healing as it gives you a place to write everything down, to think about it, to get it out of your system and think of what you want your life to be in the future.

Learn to cry! People with emotional issues usually don't feel they can just cry, to feel sad and let it all out. That's in part why we end up with emotional issues, disorders. I was a cutter, anorexic as well for many years; I literally waked away from both in one day; I did and had to learn to cry, because I now felt everything that starving and cutting had numbed out. Crying is very healing. I didn't cry in front of others, but I allowed myself to cry sometimes for as long as an hour; to say things hurt, to say I as a Child of God deserved to have a good life and to be treated decently by others.

STOP BEING PERFECTIONISTIC, it's just another symptom of feeling out of control and no one ever can become perfect in this life. All perfectionism does is make you miserable, wastes your time and maeks others so they can't stand to be around you. It also keeps people from knowing the true you that exists under it all.

Take one step, don't look back and then keep moving forward. You can change, you can over come these problems and you can have the life you were sent to earth to live in which you can feel happy, relaxed, peace and joy.

Take care and believe you can change.