Do I deserve to heal or to forgive myself?!

Do I deserve to heal or to forgive myself?

When I was younger & in middle school my older sister would molest my younger sister & I. She would play us off of each other when she wasn't touching us & I was emotionally abused as well. My older & little sis would call me a sow & tell me that I was taken from a pig pen. My older sis would usually only take one of us at at time. There were times that I would know that she was abusing my little sis & I'd walk away-glad that it wasn't me this time. I don't remember a whole lot because I don't want to remember. Whenever I do I just think how horrible I was to do that & I can only think that I should spend the rest of my life making it up to my little sis by either taking care of her or leaving her alone. There are times that my little sis would do the same to me (holding me down). My dad asked me once a few years after if it was all real (my little sis tried to talk to him) & I said no, b/c by that point my older sis was gone from our lives & why cause trouble?

3 weeks ago
There was no hard core penetration, but I am unable to even do something as normal as get a gyn visit now. I panic at any type of penetration. I am getting ready to go into therapy now & I don't think I deserve to. I don't think I should allow myself to heal sometimes. I should have fought back or stopped my older sister or told my father the truth.

My little sis doesn't hold any grudges against me for that. We just started talking about it about a year or two ago when I started to realize why I have such a strong fear of being touched vaginally in any way, medical or otherwise.

My little sis has some problems, but she has a normal life. She has a boyfriend, a daughter, & is moving on with her life. If she blamed me she would have let me know or avoided me like she has my older sister.

I can't help but keep thinking about how horrible what I did was. Sure, I went through it as well, but what if she had it worse? What if she was actually thoroughly penetrated & had her hymen broken

Many times for someone to heal through something so traumatic... they need to talk about it. So you just writing about it is a very large step towards healing. There is no reason to forgive yourself ...sadly your sister and you were both victims. But it's definitely time to heal... I think one of the biggest steps is talking to your dad about what really happened to you and your sister... deny yourself the truth at that moment ... was a way of denying that it ever happened. Victims are asked to talk about it when they are ready.... maybe at that moment you just weren't. But like the others i agree it's time that you talk to a professional that help you through these issues.