What to do?!

What to do?

Here is the deal:

I have felt horrible for a long while now. I have cut myself and have just recently started huffing hairspray. I just graduated high-school and I have had a lot to deal with this past year, my grandfather dying, getting a new stepdad, some of my family moving to Florida, trying to plan for college and then not following through.

I feel broken and lost, sometimes I want everything to stop and just go back to how it was about 2 years ago. Everybody expects so much from me but I don't want to do anything. I'm never really happy, I only get very giddy and obnoxious when I am "happy". Sometimes I have mood swings from loud and obnoxious to very sad and down, but it happens very quickly, not lasting days or weeks like bipolar.

I feel very alone, I have no one to talk to, and even when an opportunity comes to talk with someone, I never take it, I just keep everything inside.

4 weeks ago
I don't know what to do or how to get help, but I feel like if I keep like this it will only get worse and I will cut more often and use other drugs.

I've been there.

I know what the pressure's are, I know how easy it is to turn to drugs, and to grab that knife and run it across your arm a few times and watch the blood trickle down..... you see it and know you shouldn't've done it but at the same time after doing it you feel this short lived wonderful release and you concentrate on that then what is really bothering you.

I'm 23 and have been dealing with depression since I was 12. I've attempted suicide once. I've done tons of drugs to mask the pain, I've cut myself (all of this still withthin the last couple of years), I have my ups then I have my downs.

I just found out that I'm Bi-polar so that helps to explain some of the things that goes on with me. Last year was especially hard b/c I lost a good friend to suicide, he had 3 months to go to graduate highschool. I even had a job lined up for him when we graduated. That set me into a downward spiral again but I pulled myself out.

It really does help to talk to a therapist and you may need meds. Trust in your doctor that they do want to help and it does take about a month for anti-depressants to really start to make you "feel better"

I know how hard it is to have to get up every day and face the world when alls you want to do is climb in a deep dark hole and never emerge. I've learned that I have to find something positive in my life and think of that on a daily basis to keep me going, to keep me getting up everyday, to keep me from cutting again.

You will find your place here and you will get better. your more than welcome to e-mail me. you just click on my name and it'll give you mail Yahoo IM and E-mail