My wife is suffering from severe headaches and other symptoms that make me belie!

My wife is suffering from severe headaches and other symptoms that make me believe she is not quite right.?

we had a CT scan done and they found no problem with her brain . the doctors have diagnosed stress and provided her with xanax , lexapro, and recommended a chiropractor. but after 3 years of observing her im wondering if the headaches are not part of an underlying problem. she claims to see a dark figure at night watching over our 2 year old and that the same dark figure watches her in the shower. her mood swings are completely out of control. everyone in my family and hers agree that she has some sort of mental illness but we are completely helpless because when someone mentions to her that maybe she should go see a professional they suddenly hate her. right now as it stands she feels like everyone is against her and that my whole family and her whole family hate her and are conspiring against her which makes me think she also suffers from paranoia. any suggestions on how to get her to go seek professional help without her thinking i hate her? and to keep her from harming someone?

4 weeks ago
her sister tried having her committed just last night. i was reluctantly willing to agree but you need 2 family members and her sister lives 1500 miles away. talked to the mental health unit and they said that having her committed would just make it worse.

4 weeks ago
now she has disowned her sister.

This is such a tough one, and I wish I had better answers for you. I'm glad you care about your family, and hope you find the help you need.

So many possibilities, and all the guessing everyone is doing might only be confusing the issue!

Possibly your wife is feeling very scared, very stressed, under pressure, victimized, singled out- just plain threatened which is probably why she is reacting so strongly. I'm not saying this to blame anybody- her feelings could stem more from her past history, or her mental state than from what other people are doing right now.

But reassurance and love might go further than pressure in getting her the help she needs. Please let her know you care about her, you love her, and she's not a bad person, no matter how she feels or what she is going through. Listen to her, respect her perspective on all this, even if you don't agree with it. Just listening, without suggesting or trying to solve things might go a long way in helping you understand what she is going through and in helping her feel heard, loved, supported and valued. This might be totally obvious to you- sorry if I'm being obnoxious- and I'm definitely not questioning your love.

But the more she feels that you love and support her and want what's best for everyone, including her, the safer she'll feel, and that's just good all around. The more she feels that people think she's a problem, and especially if she feels like getting therapy means she's "wrong," "bad" or "lesser" (eg somebody to be disrespected and "fixed") the more resistant she will be. If she's willing and able to talk about what therapy means to her, her fears of it, her ideas about it- this could help her put things into perspective. But the more she can find her own way without feeling pressured or rejected the better. Tall order, I know.

You mentioned that she went to the doctor and had a CT scan and that she was taking medication (xanax). This suggests that she is aware that something is wrong, and is willing to do something about it. Does she have a doctor who she trusts? Perhaps a doctor whose opinion she values could gently lead her in the direction of therapy.

And have you considered going into therapy yourself? A knowlegable therapist should be able to give you more educated guesses about what's going on than we can. He or she would know the ins-and-outs of the mental health system. And s/he could help you learn how best to take care of yourself and your family in this situation, including assesing danger and protecting your child from the stresses and strong emotions of this situation. This situation sounds like more than your average marriage and family counselor can deal with, so I'd suggest talking to someone who has experience in schizophrenia, bipolar, and dissociative disorders. Someone who knows how to tell these things apart- that can be tricky. Someone who won't just jump to conclusions and shove medicine at her. Someone who is willing to try something different if their first path of action (eg meds, therapy) isn't working. Another tall order.

How to find this most excellent person- sometimes word-of-mouth is surprizingly effective. Do you know anyone else who's dealt sucessfully with similar problems? Local agencies,- United Way or other community groups might have lists of therapists and their specialties. And don't be afraid to interview therapists, some of them will give you the first meeting, or a phone consultation free. Ask them about their experience, their treatment and therapy goals, how they would approach this problem. If money is a problem, don't be afraid to ask if they have a sliding fee scale. There might be family support groups that could help you and give you the low-down on doctors. NAMI (National Association for the Mentally Ill) is a national organization that runs family support groups and has therapist listings. Look for them on the web, or in your phone book.

Finally, I can't resist throwing in my own two cents 'cause I have personal experience with this - a possibility nobody mentioned is mutiple personalities. Headaches, and extreme mood swings are both signs of being multiple, and the dark figure she sees could stem from past memories of abuse. Does she do things and then deny or forget them? Since this is such a delicate issue and she is sensitive, I wouldn't probe, but do you know of any history of abuse or trauma? Both major forgetfulness, and trauma are associatied with multiple personality.

Your family is lucky you're willing to stick by them in this difficult time. Take care, -and take good care of yourself- this stuff is tough.