Intrusive thoughts! feel suicidal?!

Intrusive thoughts! feel suicidal?

I have not told anyone about this, not even a doctor or psychiatist etc... But all my life i have had horrible thoughts. THey started off when i was little, really stupid things when i look back on it like eating horrible things! THese annoyed me at the time but i assumed other people had such thoughts. Over the years, these thoughts have got worse and worse. Now they are so disgusting that I end up pulling my hair and burying my face in my pillow! I can't go on with these thoughts...the wrost involve incest and violence... i feel sick even saying that! Sometimes i just want to kill myself and put an end to it all. The thing is I am a normal person - very outgoing and social with lots of friends. But nobody knows this. And its killing me!
I don't want to go see a doctor / psychiatrist because i cant tell them what the thoughts are as they are so repulsive!!
It's only after a bit of research on here i have discovered that I may have OCD. COuld this also be linked to the fact I'm always paranoid about getting cancer etc... (hypochondirac!)
I don't understand! I've always taken risks in life (e.g going skydiving soon) but I get extremely anxious about diseases etc!
I really need some advice, what can i do to get rid of these thoughts!?
One which in particular makes me feel sick is i get a though during masturbation/sexual activity - despite me being absolutely disgusted it makes me ejaculate extremely quickly! I know for a fact i do not like any of these thoughts! I am not homosexual, a paedophile etc... but why this!?
Does anyone else have the same problems?!?! Please help.
I'm only 17 by the way.

1 month ago
yes i would never eveer act out on any of these thoughts!!

1 month ago
ok, i understand (kind of)
but why did i ejaculate quicker when some of these horrible thoughts came up!? this makes me think its not ocd and im just sick!!

The only true way you will be able to deal with it and understand it is if you do go to a professional. It doesn't make you a bad person, especially since you realize that it may be wrong. But leaving it untreated could possibly cost you ur life, as you sound very disturbed by this. These people have a privacy policy and they've probably heard the worst of the worst. They wouldn't hold blame to you. It may be hard for you to talk to someone, just make sure u don't settle for just "anyone." If you feel uncomfortable about them or don't like them, find someone else. I had to go through MANY psychiatrists/psychologists before finding 2 people that I absolutely adored and loved. And they've changed my whole life. Maybe explaining to them that it's difficult to say/talk about and maybe you can write it down for them. They could even read it after u leave a session, to better prepare you for next time. But, if you want to get to the bottom of it, I think you should truly talk to a professional you can learn to trust and be comfortable talking to.
Good Luck and Take Care!