Need to get over abuse?!

Need to get over abuse?

1st of all, I’m 24, female, & single. I don’t mind it, I’m an independent person & I like having my freedom… or at least I think I do. My whole perception & life turned upside down when I was about 11 or 12. Although what happened to me was nothing compared to other horrible things that I hear people have, but it has destroyed me. & I remember that I couldn’t even hold myself through the tears to calm myself down.
I was sexually abused when I was 11 in a shop, while my mother was there. She had no idea, still doesn’t, nobody knows. I wasn’t raped, but I felt that it was my fault I wore what I wore. I was raised in a very strict safe environment, I didn’t mind, I was happy, & I knew nothing of the world & its devils. I couldn’t even open my mouth to tell the creep to let me go. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t over it till a couple of months ago when another creep tried to grope me at the office, & I couldn’t stop him either. So many things r mixed up in my mind.

1 month ago
Casual conversations with people quickly turn sexual & I don’t know why, I don’t even mention anything remotely connected to sex, I checked. & even though I’m not a teenager anymore, I still walk in the street alone thinking nothing would happen to me. According to my readings, I shouldn’t be doing that anymore. I still feel stuck at age 11 sometimes. A lot of people I know call me sweet & naïve, not knowing what has really happened. Seeking professional help is not an option for me, it is still a huge stigma where I live. I’ve never had a boyfriend, I don’t think I really wanted one. Intimacy is still a terrifying thought to me, even though I had crushes & such.
I need to move on so badly, I can’t go on feeling like this. It has consumed so much of me, I’m not the same person I used to be.

1 month ago
I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by telling this here, I’ve read every book & article & the problem still hasn’t gone away. I tried treating myself, but also that ended in failure. I guess this is my last hope.

Ladybug, I know what you said, but you seriously need to see a therapist. I know about the stigma, but if you go and don't tell anyone, no one will know; it is illegal for a therapist to talk about you or your sessions. So, if no one knows you are going, where is the stigma - unless it is in your own mind. Are you ashamed of what happened when you were 11; do you feel it was your fault. Because it was not your fault, and most children freeze up in terror and can't do anything, even call out to their mother. It doesn't matter that you weren't raped - it is just as traumatic and can, indeed, ruin your life without help.

A couple of months ago, you were molested again and couldn't stop him. That's because you were that 11 year old child. I'm sorry to sound so blunt, because I know you are suffering terribly from this, but in the area of sexuality, your mind will remain that 11 year old child, unless you get help. There is a very good book out there. I can't remember the author's name, but the title of the book is "Secret Survivors." It is an excellent book for both professionals and victims/survivors to read.

Right now, you are a victim; you need to change and become a survivor. Many hospitals have rape-crisis centers. You don't have to have been actually technically raped to get help. These centers are almost always free, and they usually have both individual as well as group therapy. The groups are anonymous, so again, the only stigma you have to deal with is the one in your mind - the overpowering feeling of guilt. I don't know how many times I could tell you it was not your fault; you were a child - and a couple of months ago, in your head, you were back to being that 11 year old girl.

It was very brave of you to "talk" about it here. Maybe it's the first step towards really talking to someone. Do you go to a church where you can speak with a minister - that has to be kept private by law also But I really think you strongly should talk to a therapist and join a rape-crisis center. No one will judge you. You did nothing wrong. You will be trapped in a terrible cycle all dating back to when you were 11, unless this gets worked through. I wish you the best of luck.