Doomed to be a sexless relationship?!
Question: I have been with my loving bf for almost two years. We are both good looking and young *in our early 20's* and moved in together in September. Its been great we have had our silly little arguments but we have also had a lot of fun.
Our sex life has always been good and we have always been very happy together.
The past couple of weeks though have been different. He is still very affectionate towards me with hugs and little pecks but the sex has more or less stopped. And the twice it did happen i had to take control to make it happen, kind of forcefully and he got more from it than i did. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he just says - well you dont like me spending time with my friends...*wtf i never stop him being with his mates* we end up arguing and it dosnt get sorted.
So what the hell has happened? I have ruled out cheating because he just wouldnt he is not the type and really dosnt have the time or money to have an affair.
Could it be stress related at all?
Answers: I have been with my loving bf for almost two years. We are both good looking and young *in our early 20's* and moved in together in September. Its been great we have had our silly little arguments but we have also had a lot of fun.
Our sex life has always been good and we have always been very happy together.
The past couple of weeks though have been different. He is still very affectionate towards me with hugs and little pecks but the sex has more or less stopped. And the twice it did happen i had to take control to make it happen, kind of forcefully and he got more from it than i did. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he just says - well you dont like me spending time with my friends...*wtf i never stop him being with his mates* we end up arguing and it dosnt get sorted.
So what the hell has happened? I have ruled out cheating because he just wouldnt he is not the type and really dosnt have the time or money to have an affair.
Could it be stress related at all?
It sounds like he's just very stressed and/ or something is occupying his mind all the time (something, not someone). Try talking to him openly and honestly about anything that may be causing him stress or worry.
Don't over do it though, if you keep on at him, he might just take it all out on you.
I hate to say this, but to assume there is no else....there is always time and there does not need to be money. Of course it can be stress or a million other things. Unless you both and sit down and be totally honest with one another things will get worse. Now, if it has only been two weeks, relax, let the holidays pass and see if things get better.
I think it is stress and routine what killed the passion between you two, try doing it on the couch, try new positions, have you tryed the 69?, make a strip tease for him, but let him know you will be surprising him that night so he wont make other plans.
hey it's only sex! it's not a life or death situation so don't worry about it. if u were planning for children then that would be different but as you're having sex for the sake of sex yer never going to be happy anyway. forget about it - enjoy his company and his affection it's more of value
Sit him down and have a quiet grown-up talk with him. Tell him this has been bothering you, and you're wondering if you did something wrong, or what's going on??!
The two of you should be best friends and able to talk about anything. Maybe it's a good thing that you didn't rush into marriage. Sex and money are the two biggest reasons for divorce. Do you want to live in a loveless marriage?
I always tell people that on your wedding day there should be NO DOUBTS. Remember that. Good luck to you, Sweetie. :)
It sounds to me that he is angry with you and has some resentment there. I don't think it is stress related - just related to a problem he has with you that he's not sharing.
It is likely to be that he is missing his freedom. You've only lived together for about 2 months and it does take a while for things to settle. He may be feeling claustrophobic now that you've moved in, which is a normal reaction at first. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
I would sit him down and ask him if he's feeling claustophobic or regrets moving in together. Or ask him why he feels like you don't want him to spend time with his friends. In the past when he has accused you of that, you more than likely come back with something like "that's not true" rather than ASKING him why he feels that way. It's time to get him to talk.
Try to put sex on the backburner for now. Sex will slow down as you settle in living together. It's not about how often you have sex, but more that both of you should really want it each time you do it. It shouldn't be used as some kind of control tool or a way to pretend you don't have issues.
Talk to him, no sex mentioned, and see what his issue is. Make sure you are understanding and actually listen to him - don't accuse him or argue with him. He may be too scared to tell you something - but if you put the words in his mouth and reassure him it's ok to tell you, he might be more likely to open up. After to years, you should be able to sort it out together.
Good luck and I hope this helps
xx Emmie
I think moving in is making him feel kinda trapped.
I'm having the same problem and don't know what to do. I also posted a similar question. He tells me is because we are living together, but I don't believe him. I know I'm good in bed, and very open to new things, I just don't understand what the problem is. I'm starting to get worry, but I the same time I'm trying not to ruin our relationship because of it.
I say just give him so more time and take it from there.
Good luck!!!! email me if you have any questions
It very well could be stress, since it is Xmas and all, which can be particuarly stressful. It could also be that he wasn't properly ready for moving in yet, and he wasn't prepared for living with someone. He may feel stifled all of a sudden, hense saying you never let him see his mates. And stress can cause men to go off sex very rapidly. I would suggest you consider whether the two of your should live separately again for a while? Or if that isn't practical, which I assume it isn't, you need to reassure him that he is still his OWN MAN and he hasn't been emasculated by living with you. He might think that now he's living with you, you are almost a married couple, and for two good looking people in their early 20s that's not ideal. You need to spend more time apart, maybe with other friend groups, to make it seem as though being in the house together, sleeping together, having breakfast together etc is a event, rather than just a process, if you get me?
That's my advice anyway but I'm no therapist..
Not that I am an expert in any regard when it comes to relationships, I've had my fair share and learned a lot from all of them. But one of the things that I have noticed, being a guy in this kind of situation is that as a guy, I need my personal space to make the together time that much more enjoyable. It's a simple law of nature really. Man needs a few things to keep him motivated. He needs a passion or calling for his life, he needs a challenge to keep him focused, he needs a beauty to fight for and he needs some time alone to put it all together. Now this may sound incredibly chovanistic, but hear me out before you take the gender bender stick and beat us guys with it. No matter who you are or what you think, if you haven't figured out that men and women are wired differently, then that's where you need to start. We can all make some pretty good compromises along the way, but the fabric that we are made out of can only hold so long before we have to realize that apples are not oranges. From the sounds of it, your guys has either lost focus, (could be stress related) or lost the challenge (could be because you moved in together). Losing his focus could be simple thing, like having a hard time at work, or pondering what his life is going to be like in the future, or worrying about a friend, anything really that keeps him from thinking about what it is he defines himself by. Losing the challenge on the other hand, may be more personal for you. Moving in together is like eating your cake, ice cream too and never having to worry if those extra calories count. It's a committment without a committment and that is one of the worst dangers for a guy. Not that it was a bad decision for the two of you, no doubt you both thought long and hard about it. But the way he thinks about your relationship no doubt has changed. He used to have to work at spending time with you, now you are always there. That's not a bad thing, but he is in a transition time where he has to find a new challenge to focus on outside of the relationship. This is a complicated thing. If he doesn't see you as a reward and something to continually fight for, then his focus may go towards other women, not intentionally, but it's that whole male makeup thing. If he feels entitled to you, then your worth has decreased and he may look for other "treasures". This is where cheating often gets involved. Your man doesn't sound like the type apparently and there are some of us that wouldn't act on those impulses because we value the individual more than the chase, but the temptation is still there.
Most likely, you are just going through a transition phase in your relationship. It takes a huge amount of change for a guy to suddenly realize that he is in a committed relationship. No matter how much you two have talked about it or he has thought he thought about it. His brain doesn't work like yours.
My suggestion to you is that you encourage him to do something new or exciting. Let him go camping, or take a road trip, or even just take on a new hobby. Personally, spending time outdoors really helps with any new transitions in life whether it is camping or backpacking or sailing. Man has to realize he is part of a bigger world, so that he can protect his smaller world.
I know it may sound really whacked, but if you're into reading take a look at a book called wild at heart. Even if you aren't Christian (which is a pretty heated topic these days) it gives some great insight into what I talked about above. If you want to love the heart of the man you have invited into your life, it helps to be able to understand how he works, just like you want him to understand you and all your ups and downs as a woman. Be warned though, not all men are the same when it comes to reflecting the inner workings of him. But if you've got one worth keeping, then it would benefit you to learn how to care for not just what you think you know, but what you should know about our hearts. I only wish that more women would take the time to realize we aren't just simple minded horndogs after one thing. Some of us go a lot deeper than that. Good luck,
He has gone and found himself a different gir.
Now its time to end it.
If a guy doesn't want it = he is cheating
try strip-teasing him....it'll work
http://videojug.com
if he has a lot of stress maybe but chances are with an answer like that he is lookin somewhere else thatts usually what happens when you move in together he doesn't need to impress anymore
He pulled a 'female" tactic. Women like using sex as a weapon in a relationship. Do this or we won't have sex. Since guys are very horny, they eventually cave. I think your guy is doing the same. He's saying no sex unless you let me . . .
Some guys just get lazy about sex. Some don't really like it a lot. If you had to really get him going with a lot of work, something wrong with him. Most young guys like us are ready to go anyplace anytime with anyone.
When it comes to sex, guys have a fragile ego. Next time you tryt talking to him, watch the words you use, tone of voice and keep your voice level calm and normal no matter how mad and yelling loud he gets.
If he is affectionate but not wanting sex sounds like he is depressed about something. Could be physical or emotional. Or maybe he is spending time with his friends, and one of those friends is more interesting sexually than you are--not unheard of at all. He may well be bisexual, and just recently found a willing same sex partner.
Really hard to speculate here but I can say that most people that get cheated on say "I thought he wasn't the type".
You HAVE to talk to him about it. Make it clear you encourage him to spend time with his mates and do things that make him happy.
Also its only been a couple weeks it could be work worries, christmas worries or money stresses etc. Give ti some time. Good luck :o)
be upfront and ask him you might be surprised
OK Dark Star turn into a bright star "tease him" and only you should know what it takes to do that.
I think he is getting it someelse!
it sounds like its time to move on if it is not working now how Will it be in the future you have to respect each others needs he sounds selfish to me .take a long hard look at your relationship
Could be that the novelty has worn off. Once you moved in together he didn't have to try, didn't have to chase for it. It was there on a plate so he couldn't be bothered.
Just a thought.