Would I be wrong if I don't go see her?!
Question: My mother is in the hospital, and it's very possible that she will die. She is only 56. She had an operation on Friday, and now there are complications due to the operation. They found a blood clot by her lung, and are hoping that thinners will help.
My problem is, I don't want my last memory of her to be of watching her in pain, on machines, etc. I would go if she had no one else, but my sister is there with her. Besides, my mother never liked me much. We love each other, but we don't like each other. Would it be better for me to just stay away for now?
Answers: My mother is in the hospital, and it's very possible that she will die. She is only 56. She had an operation on Friday, and now there are complications due to the operation. They found a blood clot by her lung, and are hoping that thinners will help.
My problem is, I don't want my last memory of her to be of watching her in pain, on machines, etc. I would go if she had no one else, but my sister is there with her. Besides, my mother never liked me much. We love each other, but we don't like each other. Would it be better for me to just stay away for now?
It's hard to watch a close relative in pain, takes courage.
This seems to have happened very suddenly, you must be in shock. It's very easy just to react when your'e in shock without thinking things through.
Even though you don't like your mother ( I didn't mine, & she died young too ) as you grow older you tend to wonder things, like how certain things were for her, or what she would do in situations you find yourself in and your feelings can change. You can find yourself appreciating things about her that you never thought of before.
You can find a photo of your mum, when she was young and carefree that you can keep around the house, which can offset any difficult memories.
There isn't any ' just for now.' This is the moment. Soon it may be gone.
Re additional info. I'm sorry youv'e been treated so badly.If you did go you could make a visit short, 5 minutes. If she starts abusing you , you could about turn and leave. Do you not think you might wonder if you don't go, what she would have said. Will you regret not giving her and yourself the opportunity? Does your understandable anger towards her make you want to score a point by refusing to see her? I hope you answer these questions for yourself to help you decide, if you haven't already. Please try and be clear and honest with yourself regarding your motives. If you can't stand it, you can't stand it, end of story, thats just how it is.
Hunny I think you should go see her. I think If she passed away you would beat your self up about not going. Have you talked to your sister about this? Your mom might have a change of heart and wants to see you, When people get sick they see things different. By maybe your sister could help you though this one, if you all talk. Good luck hun hang in there.
This is a tough one. I don't think it's wrong if it would be tough on you although I bet she would really love to see you even if you two don't get along. She is your mother after all.
I think you need to go see her. You will never get this chance again if she doesn't survive and you will likely always regret that. At this point it's really more about her than about you.
I'm actually rather upset to be reading your question. I've had sick loved ones (including ones that I didn't "like" that much) in the hospital and I can't imagine neglecting them because I didn't want to see them that way. I think that sounds selfish. I also work in healthcare and see these people often. It's not fair to your mother to not visit her and it's not fair to your sister to heap this burden on her because you're uncomfortable about it.
I think you'll regret it if you don't, but then, if you can't manage to afford it, that might play into your decision.
If it were me. I'd go. Surely it would be a great comfort to her.
You'll regret not going and seeing her. Think what life will be without her. You don't have to stay long. She is your mother. Whatever has been done, is in the past. Forget about it. Go see a therapist, and then take someone you care about with you to see her. Tell her you are there and you love her and forgive her no matter what. All she wants to hear is that. She will be watching you in Heaven soon, it sounds like. You need resolution now and then all will be forgiven. It will be harmless to do this. The damage that will occur, is NOT going to see her. You need this, and so does she. She is waiting for you. Put your "selfishness" of seeing her in pain behind you for now. SHE NEEDS YOU. Quit making up excuses. GO! Then keep seeing the therapist. Resources are here, use them!
(((((Roxanne and family)))))
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.
How is **your** health?- mentally, emotionally, spiritually?
I would encourage you to visit with her. You may hate yourself if you don't. You don't have to really say or do anything special, just let her know that you're there.
I lost my grandmother (who was more like a mother to me) a few years ago. I was with her when she passed, and she went quietly, in her sleep at home (she came home to die after her kidneys shut down).
Even though my dreams are still haunted by those last hours, I can't imagine having NOT been there for her.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
You both need to forgive each other. Take the time to do this or you will regret it.
First of all I'm really sorry that you are going through such a traumatic childhood! You said you are getting therapy! What does your therapist think of this current situation? You should call them and ask to see them! You need the support right now!
And the only person who can decide if you want see your Mum or not is you! Please dont let anyone influence you! Take your time to think about it and consider your pros and cons! What is going to be easier for you, your Mum and your family! Would your Mum really not want you there? Would your sister want you there for support? And do you want to be there for your Mum putting all conflict to one side? Or do you really want to just remember her the way she was? Obviously your Mums had issues and they havent been solved and Im so sorry she wasnt there for you! But whatever you decide try to treat everyone respectfully even if you think your Mum doesn't deserve it but you will not have any ill feelings if you do! This is a difficult time for all of you and your Mum could soon be gone so just think of the way you wish to say goodbye! You seem very independent and strong and I really hope you can make the right decision to help you deal with the outcome! You must take care of yourself and do only what you think is best for your own health!
If you dont go to the hospital you could always say goodbye before the burial!
Take care of yourself
xx
my dad died of copd last year, I saw him in the mortuary, but regret not seeing him in his last moments.
their are so many things I wanted to say.
& i feel guilty for not seeing him.
I would say that it is a inhuman way of treating a daughter.
Yet, i believe you should go see her if you really love her. Just do not say anything that would annoy her, but if she still wants to scold you regardless, let her do so. At least you would never regret in future, with the knowledge that you have done what a daughter should do.
If you feel that you are actually being the better person, I think that you've answered your own question. I can understand that you want people to automatically see it from your perspective and want comments just to make you feel a little less guilty about not going, but it seems evident that you've made your choice.
Just remember that if she doesn't pass away, she's going to give you hell for not going to the hospital as well.
It's your decision!
The only person that can make your mind up is you, if you know that it will hurt you forever to know that the last time you saw your mother in pain then I don't go. However, if you think that you'll regret it for a long time then go. It's up to you completely, just think about the consequences before you choose. x