What can I do beyond what I've already tried?!


Question: My best friends Mom has been diagnosed w/lung & liver cancer. Doc's delivered the 'death sentence" msg. My insides are screaming! This woman is like a 2nd mom to me. My best friend needs me and while I can't bear to be there, I can't bear not being there. They all look to me as the one with the answers and I've been able to make a difference before. But this time it's different. Hard as I've tried, I can't give them good news. I find myself avoiding phone calls, delaying responses to emails, because I can't fix this one. I just rec'd an email stating 'no tears allowed', and I have to be there tomorrow.

My Faith is strong, but still, I was emotionally shattered with the loss of my own parents and so I can't, gracefully or with strength, find the words to hold up all the lifelong implications here to guide all of us to a place of serenity. Please help me with this.


Answers: My best friends Mom has been diagnosed w/lung & liver cancer. Doc's delivered the 'death sentence" msg. My insides are screaming! This woman is like a 2nd mom to me. My best friend needs me and while I can't bear to be there, I can't bear not being there. They all look to me as the one with the answers and I've been able to make a difference before. But this time it's different. Hard as I've tried, I can't give them good news. I find myself avoiding phone calls, delaying responses to emails, because I can't fix this one. I just rec'd an email stating 'no tears allowed', and I have to be there tomorrow.

My Faith is strong, but still, I was emotionally shattered with the loss of my own parents and so I can't, gracefully or with strength, find the words to hold up all the lifelong implications here to guide all of us to a place of serenity. Please help me with this.

I am certain no one expects you to "fix" this or have any answers that medical science has not all ready provided. The only way to make a difference is to provide your most honest support and love consistently. It is wrong for them to tell you "no tears" when you reply explain that you will be there but that you cannot control any natural emotion you may feel and if that is unacceptable than you will have to excuse yourself. You are fortunate to be so loved in another family and you will want to remember that you gave as much of youself as you possibly could. My father loved being read to when he was dying of cancer, when he was up to it he liked having his feet massaged with warm oil. People with cancer still crave some physical contact -- you just have to tailor it to their pain and tolerance level. Do try to bring in humor and conversations about your everyday life. It may seem mundane to you but to someone who is ill-- normal life --- even if just in the telling is lovely. My heart hurts for yours, but as you have all ready found out, we can bear so much more than we know. Stay strong, love, Me

Call a hospice organization. They will be able to help the family with pre-bereavement. You are grieving a loss that has yet to occur.

i feel for you, i really do, if your faith is strong, your strength will get you through. your a good friend, with a big heart.

Your "Faith is strong" , You will be strong, You will be there for them. God Bless

you'd be amazed at the strength you possess. if you've lived thru the death of your parents you can empathize with your friend. you've already walked this road and understand what it will take. pray for inner peace and strength God will give you the words to comfort. please answer the calls and emails. i'm sure in their hearts they're not looking for you to "fix" this or to give them "good news". the only thing you can do is be the calm one and the one who will have to step up to the plate and be strong. i will put you in my prayers. i've buried both my parents, my husband and my brother, all within 15yr span. God Bless You and give you strength

be honest with them. tell them what you just told us. knowing how much you love her isnt going to hurt her. and tears can be cathartic, being stoic isnt always the way to go. you dont ALWAYS have to be the strong one. sometimes, the person who is dying is the strong one, while everyone collapses around her. saying no tears allowed just isnt fair. tell them straight out if you cant do it. if they have any respect for you, they will understand.





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