Thought I was losing one parent instead lost the other. How should I feel?!


Question: My father was dignoased with rectal and ki dneycancer a 1 1/2 ago. He had been real sick the the Kimo and radiation. Rushed to the hospital for dehydration. Doctors didn't think he was going to make it. After operation he was so week and sore. Lost a lot of weight. Had major bathroom issues. Severe radiation burn on the buttocks area!!! So worried about him and my mother dealing with this. My mother wasn't healthy by far. She had always been depressed and smoked too. Her health had been noticibly declining but nothing like my father. She passed away unexpectedly Nov. 9th. of pnemonia. I still feel I am in shock. But I new she wasn't well. I just don't know how to feel right now. I knew she wasn't happy person. Her house was her prision. Her and my father fought a lot! She let a lot go by the waist side, health, house and life. I tried for so long to help her. I do feel she is a better place. I cried some. Not too sad about this just weird?


Answers: My father was dignoased with rectal and ki dneycancer a 1 1/2 ago. He had been real sick the the Kimo and radiation. Rushed to the hospital for dehydration. Doctors didn't think he was going to make it. After operation he was so week and sore. Lost a lot of weight. Had major bathroom issues. Severe radiation burn on the buttocks area!!! So worried about him and my mother dealing with this. My mother wasn't healthy by far. She had always been depressed and smoked too. Her health had been noticibly declining but nothing like my father. She passed away unexpectedly Nov. 9th. of pnemonia. I still feel I am in shock. But I new she wasn't well. I just don't know how to feel right now. I knew she wasn't happy person. Her house was her prision. Her and my father fought a lot! She let a lot go by the waist side, health, house and life. I tried for so long to help her. I do feel she is a better place. I cried some. Not too sad about this just weird?

You are still in shock, Sweetie, and that's an appropriate way to be feeling at this point. Grief does have its stages, and thank goodness it does, or we'd never get out of it. You will be in shock for a while, then you'll get angry, then you'll be in shock again. This is normal. Eventually you will be able to think about what happened and not feel shocked or angry, but you must go through the different levels of grief as all humans do.

I think you would benefit from a good counselor, and there are plenty of therapists who can help see you through this awful time in your life. If you have a church, ask your minister; if you are in school, ask your school counselor; if you do not have either, look up Stephen Ministers in your area and ask for one to be assigned to you. They can help you and they are free of charge.

I am truly sorry you have lost your Mother in the midst of dealing with your Father's illness as well. Please know there is a light at the end of the tunnel; you just have to wait until you can see it again. God bless you.

First - my condolences and prayers. No one is ever so "adult" as to not be shaken when their mom dies, unexpectedly or not.
Second - if you are now your dad's caregiver, you are probably under too much stress to allow yourself to grieve right now. Put it off if you need to, but know that one day you will have to deal with these feelings.

Grieving is different for everyone. Some people greive immediately after the death of a loved one while some may take years for it to finally surface. What you are going through is not weird, it is just how you are feeling at the moment. The best thing to do is to talk to some kind of counselor, because it sounds like you are going through an awful lot in your life right now and could use someone objective and sympathetic to help you find ways to cope with the situations in your life. If you are religious, a church leader would be a good place to start, if not, most cities have free mental health centers. I wish all the best for you in the future and I hope things get better. Remember that this will make you a stronger person.





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