Is it bad of me to not see my dying grandmother?!
Question: i've never been close with my dads side of the family, and now all of a sudden my grandma is dying. he urges me to go see her, but personally i feel that if i never saw her when she was alive, wouldnt it be a shame to see her as she is dying? ive never been one to find comfort in passing away and i try to avoid it as much as possible, but i believe when it's time, it's time. i dont want to see her wilting away. i want to see her healthy and remember her that way.
is this selfish of me to not go see her?
ps
the past couple of nights shes been restless and she is now on morphine. i remember thats what happened to my other grandma during her last 24-48 hours. could this possibly mean the end is very near?
Answers: i've never been close with my dads side of the family, and now all of a sudden my grandma is dying. he urges me to go see her, but personally i feel that if i never saw her when she was alive, wouldnt it be a shame to see her as she is dying? ive never been one to find comfort in passing away and i try to avoid it as much as possible, but i believe when it's time, it's time. i dont want to see her wilting away. i want to see her healthy and remember her that way.
is this selfish of me to not go see her?
ps
the past couple of nights shes been restless and she is now on morphine. i remember thats what happened to my other grandma during her last 24-48 hours. could this possibly mean the end is very near?
First of all let my offer my sympathies
This is a hard one.
I think your Dad is probably very confused and hurting at the moment.
To be honest I think it would mean very much to your dad if you could go but at the same time you shouldn't feel pressured into doing something you might find very upsetting as it will remind you of your other Grandmothers death.
I guess what i am saying if you can find the strength it would be good for you and your fathers relationship he will need the people closest to him to lean on for a bit.
But if you feel you really can't face the situation don't feel guilty it is totally understandable we all react in different ways to death.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your Father and the rest of your family at this sad and challenging time.
P.s whatever you do do not feel guilty ever, there is no right or wrong in a situation like this.
Go and see her. You'd probably regret it if you didn't. Forget you hardly know her. She's family. And she probably would love to see you.
will you regret NOT seeing her, say, a year from now?
go see her... or you will never see her again. She will appreciate it too.
u shoulg go see her!!!!after all , she is family
Go see her. It will keep you from feeling guilty after she dies and it will mean a lot to her.
You will regret it when you are older trust me. Go see her, it may make her feel better to see you.
My grandmother died when I was 10 and I didn't want to see her in the hospital dying and since they lived 12 hours away I wasn't close to her but now that I'm in my 20s I regret not seeing her more when we would visit.
I dont know when is her time ,depends on her illness.... but surely you have mixed feelings and better is to find out before is too late..wont do you any harm to say goodbye...will make you a better person
yes dear the time is near.we are all born to die but when is the question.no its not selfish for you not to go.remember her for who she was.
I wouldn't feel bad thats just me I was fairly close with my grandma and I didn't go to see her don't like that sort of thing if you know what i mean .I 'd rather remember them in a different state then laid up sick in bed
If you've never been close with her and there's no real relationship with her, then don't feel obligated to go. It's not selfish of you. Your dad obviously has a relationship with her since he was her son and he may need some closure, but don't let him project his feelings and expect you to feel the same way he does about her.
I totally understand what you are saying, I had the same type of thing - my dad's parents were on the other side of the world, I never really knew them. I feel a little bad that it wasn't really upsetting for me when they died... I feel horrible saying that, but I didn't really know them.
The only real sorrow I felt was for my dad losing his parents.... which is one reason why maybe you should go see her, just for your dad - if that's something he really wants you to do. I'm sure he regrets you not being close and feels that somehow it would make up for it.
I just wanted to add, after reading others answers... When my grandfather died (on my mum's side), who I was very close to, I decided to not go to the open casket (well, my mum sort of decided seeing as I was young) and that is something I have always regretted... because we were close.
I never really felt any regret over anything with my dad's side but that's because they were so far away. I think that if they were closer, and it was an easy thing to go see them, I might feel more regret if I didn't go see them at the end.
my grandmother recently passed 3 weeks ago, I wasn't really close to her but when she passed it hit me really hard because I feel bad about not being able to see her as much as I could, I live an hour away. She had health problems but I did not expect her to pass so quickly and I never got a chance to say goodbye and the last time I seen her was at her funeral. I would suggest going to see her as much as you possibly can and tell her how much you love her and everything will be ok. Everyone passes sooner or later but i think It would be best to see her and let her know that you care and love her. That's just my opinion hun. Don't think of it as her dying, she'll be in another place and since she's on morphine she's probably in pain and once she passes she won't be in any pain and she'll be free. she'll be in my prayers.
You're not being selfish, you're being realistic. I don't go to funerals and I won't have one of my own because the way I see it, if you're going to see someone, be friends with them, maintain a relationship with them, then all of that takes place when they're ALIVE.
My father, my grandmother, and a family friend were very sick for the past few years of their lives and as a result only a half dozen people showed up at their funerals. To me that was the final insult. Best to not have a service at all.
If she's on morphine then she's probably not going to even know you're there.
The only reason I would advocate seeing her is WITH your Dad. It may mean a lot to him.
No, it's not selfish....there are people who really have a hard time seeing people that ill....especially family members. I didn't meet my fathers side of the family either, at least not until I was older and we're not particularly close. I probably wouldn't go either....don't feel bad. You have no reason too. I wish you the best hunnie, don't beat yourself up over this. .....
well its not wrong of you. Many cancer patients push there loved ones away as a way for them to deal with things.
and alot of there family members do the same things because they dont wanna get 2 close 2 them before they die.
Its just a defence mechinism so it doesnt hurt so bad
Hi there, NO IT IS NOT BAD OR SELFISH of you to not want to see your dying grandmother, its your choice not too, and no one should force you or make you feel guilty. You want to remember your grandmother as she was when you last saw her, healthy and content, which i can relate to, I to decided not to see my grandad in his dying moments for the same reasons as you and I have no regrets in my decision. You follow your own heart not others. Morphine can be used in the final stages it will make her comfortable, and reduce any pain she might be in. I agree with you that when your times up, thats it! She will not be alone in her passing as it sounds like your dad will be there. Please DONT feel any guilt in any decision you make. take care. xx
I would say that yes, when they get restless it is getting close.
My father in law was like that for a couple of weeks.
It's a shame that you didn't see her much when she was healthy. I know it saddens me not to see my granddaughters.
At the same time if I were bad off and in pain, I don't think I would want to see anyone. She may just be so out of it with the morphine. It's really up to you though if you can live with your choice.
For her sake, go and see her. You will always have them memories of her healthy and alive.
You may not have anything to say to your grandma, but she might have something to say to you. At hospice, patients are taught five simple truths to tell their loved ones before they die: I'll miss you...I love you...I forgive you...I'm sorry...Goodbye. It will be her gift to you if she is still able to communicate.
The morphine is for pain management. As for signs that the end is near, ask the nurse if she is still interested in eating. Also, as the end gets nearer, the internal organs shut down. So ask the nurse if her urine output quantity is the expected amount. Just before my dad died his output was down to 25cc's on his last day.
Whether you were close to your grandma or not there are life enriching values in exercising compassion and seeing the frailty of life. Your perspective at seeing the end of life will deepen respect toward every moment you are given. Seize each opportunity and serve with love.
I think only you really know what is right because it will depend on the circumstances. I have witnessed the sin of pride and the harm that it can do firsthand. I say this peacefully, isn't it a shame that it would take this situation for a meeting? Why is this and by whose choice is it that you have not seen her? Was it appropriate not to see her? It may or may not have been, it depends on circumstances. I can relate on this one, I have similiar situations. A relationship is never made in a moment. My appoach has been to do my part to reach out to estranged family members and then to accept their response. It takes two to make a relationship.
I would also consider if good would come from a visit. Would it mean something special to her? If on the other hand it would bring a frown I would not go. I would make it an unselfish choice.....but also a smart one.
One more thing, don't feel guilt regardless what you decide, as your character nor hers is all about this one moment.
Best of luck,