Serious question about pooping?!

Serious question about pooping?

Okay so I have a serious pooping question. Why is it that I take so many different kinds of poops? I know most people are going to say it all depends on what I eat but there has to be more to it than that-- even if there isn't more to it can you provide greater insight as to which foods are doing what. Sometimes I take really girthy wide poops that hurt to push out but they dont leave a lot of residue to wipe. Sometimes I take really long super skinny gooey poops that leave A TON of residue, almost to where my *** is bleeding from wiping so much to get it clean. Other time I have the super wet diarhea type poops! What gives?

2 weeks ago
Poop is rather amazing, but I just spent the last 20 minutes wipping my anus and it's not fun damnit! Why can't I just have those nice smooth poops that plop out w/ no residue or pain everytime!!~!!! If I could invent a smooth poop pill I'd be rich!

Im not going to lie to you. Your fascination with poop excites me.