Please help me! I want to die.?!

Please help me! I want to die.?

For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from depression. Not just regular misery, but pure blackness, a constant feeling of impending doom. I have tried to kill myself a few times, but been stopped by family.
I hate them for interfering, I just wish they would let me do the job. I am so full of anger and misery 24/7, I am an alcoholic and the ONLY time I feel okay is when I have downed a bottle of vodka. I know that if I keep drinking, I will eventually die, and that's my plan.
I have no friends, everyone has given up on me. I can never get a job as I messed up in my last job and can't get a decent reference. My credit is awful, so that doesn't help either. And I lost a folder containing all of my important documents when I went for an interview the other day. So now anyone could take my identity.
I feel like an utter failure. Everything I touch turns to crap. My family hate me, and the one friend I had has just told me he wants me out of his house as I am ruining his life

2 weeks ago
I was bullied at secondary school for being ugly, and even though I feel I look a lot better now, I still feel like a complete freak. I feel that no one would ever want to be my friend and that that is why I can't get a job.
I also feel that my mum is ashamed of me for being related to her.
I am just beyond help. I have tried meds, and they no longer have any effect, I have tried councelling, but it made me feel worse.
I have been raped and I have been arrested many times for causing problems in public when i've been drunk or drugged up.
I honestly have nothing left to live for. Wheat can I possibly do???!
I used to love music but can no longer listen to it as every song brings back bad memories.
My entire life has been a waste. I am 21, but feel that I have been here for an eternity. I have had happy times, but they are few and far between.
I spend most of my days crying and hating myself. I am a nasty waste of space.
I can't ever see anything getting better.
Help me

2 weeks ago
God bless you all for your kind words. I know it won't last for long, but I am currently feeling more hopeful about my future. Thank you.
Oh, and I am 21/F from England.

Ok well the fact you posted on here to me means you don't want to die but you desperately want your life to turn around very quickly, and I completely understand that.

You will never get out of your depression until you seek out the root of it. There is something that has happened in your life either long term from a very young age or short term which was particulaly awful that has caused you to get to where you are. You somehow have to work out and work backwards to find where that place is.....and be very gentle with yourself. You have spend a lifetime critiscing and judging yourself and your poor ego is very battered and bruised. What has happened to you in your past can't hurt you anymore which is the one saving grace of going back to some horrific times in your life (as I well know) You can't work on the other things such as your alcoholism and finding work until you have found what it is inside you that hurts you so much. Your soul is desperatly trying to be free and a lifetime of hurt is holding it down and back. My heart and love goes out to you because I understand the kind of pain you are talking about.

I could give a list of things to do which would really help but I don't know if you are ready for them. First of all you need to spend some gentle time with yourself with some relaxing music in the bath to gently unwind yrs of torment you have given to your physical body. Could you book in to see an aromatherapist or other therapist?

What I do is have a bath lay back and see where my mind takes me, sometimes it is an easy issue to go back to and sometimes it is very hard and sad. go with what your body is telling you to do and sob your bloody heart out. Releasing the anger and hurt is the only way to begin the long process of healing.

I am not going to say don't hurt yourself because when you are in self destruct that kind of advice just makes you angry. Just do what is TRUE to yourself...............and be gentle with yourself as you pick up the pieces and learn to love and trust in yourself and your abilility to be a loved and needed member of human society. We are all different for a reason.....

Good luck

Much love to you