Please Please Tell Me What You Think About This Poem...?!


Question: Please Please Tell Me What You Think About This Poem!.!.!.!?
My back aches and my shoulders throb with pain as you ram me into the hard concrete ground, I try to push you away, I try to kick, my eyes begin to water as I fail a thousand times, I attempt to scream but only a terrified shriek tumbles out my mouth,

Within seconds your wretched hands rip my sweater over my head, my bra unclasps and lays beneath me, your hands brutally claw at my pants, scratching and tearing my flesh until it begins to bleed, violently you pull off my pants and underwear and you throw them over your bare shoulder and into a pile, soon your disgusting clothing joins mine,

You clasp your strong rough hand over my mouth and your other hand on my waist, pinning me down like a tack pinning a picture to a wall,
Hot tears stream down my cheeks and flow over your hand, I silently scream as you torment me,
You gag me, choke me, laugh at my pain as you torture me, touching me violating every right I thought I had,
My world begins to crumble, its color drains into the ground and disappears as your shadow grows on the brick wall alongside us, yours grows larger and mine grows smaller as your weight increases,
You push your chest against me and I struggle to breath, gasping for air as you crush me,Www@Answer-Health@Com


Answers:
I like it!.!.!. its really straight and just the facts!. Its really raw and vivid, because it only deals with what is going on, for you!. There's no excessive dressing up of anything, and that makes it sound really!.!.!. powerful, because its something that anyone can read and understand and relate to!.

I like the "crush" ending, by the way!.!.!. because it has more than one meaning - crushing your body, your mind, your happiness, your heart, your hope, your innocence, they're all being crushed!. Too much detail there would be a mistake!.

Advice to change!?
In the second section, the word "disgusting" at the end seems a little out of place!. I'd suggest something like, "soon your clothing obscures mine"!. The "disgusting" feeling has already been established, and its sort of redundant to me at that point, like its something that doesn't need to be said, and by dropping it, you end with a short phrase that sort of abruptly cuts off the whole section!.

What I like!?
The part with the tears running over the hand is really powerful, because for me, it is like a break in all this action that's going on, because tears run slowly no matter how hard you cry!. I get this picture of this hand that's really powerful and cruel, and these slow tears that are felt but not acknowledged, and that really captures the dehumanizing aspect of the rape!.

I think the whole thing is really beautiful, though!.!.!. and I know that to some that might see that as a disgusting remark, but when I say "beautiful," I'm not talking about the rape!.!.!. I'm talking about the poem!.Www@Answer-Health@Com

i would say that it sorta makes me think!.!.!. i mean were u raped or something!? but it does seem more like a story then a poem ry to incorperate more poetic language!. like maybe at the end when u say as u crush me, try something like this: you push yor chest against me and i struggle to breath sinking farther into my misery!.
u know!.!. something that sorta puts that extra cherry on top!. hope it helps!Www@Answer-Health@Com

it's beautiful, and i admire the bravery it takes to write about being hurt, and i wish i'd had that courageWww@Answer-Health@Com





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