Question:
Was I with a dry drunk?
This is the first time I ever heard the term "dry drunk". I have just ended a two and a half year relationship with my partner. I am still in a shock. She was sober 8 years. I have never seen her drinking, so when I entered this relationship, I had no idea that it can maybe have still a major effect on the behavior of an alcoholic. I had no knowledge about alcoholism and I am still not sure if this was the reason of our breakup, or is it me, but I know I did everything possible to make us work. I am very spiritual and even though, she said she is as well, I have not seen it in any way. I gave up on that long time ago. She has been going to AA on and off. No consistency, even in that, even though I tried to convince her to go at least 2, 3 times a week. She never had a sponsor (that would be too consistent for her) and she is still on her first step. I was so much fighting for our relationship to work, and as she was the most beautiful person in the world in the begging, I have no idea where this person went. Every time when I had any kind of emotional need, her answer would be :"I cant do anything more for you" or " I don’t know what else you want from me". It was always like talking to a wall... Could not explain to her how I feel, so she would understand and I have tried everything in the world. It is like asking for and orange from a fruit market and she would bring me all the fruits in the world, but no oranges. Every argument would be twisted against me, every time. I feel like I have been hit with a train. I started before with meetings, but what was the point if she had no desire to work on us. Everything was more important to her. I just feel like a fool, she says how much she is in love with me, but there is no action at all. Maybe I am asking for too much. I don’t know anymore anything at all...
Answers:
The term "dry drunk" is a meaningless term made up by members of AA to describe people who quit drinking without utilizing their particular program. It has no relevance outside that context, and little within it, since it is often applied to people without any knowledge of their actual behavior other than their lack of membership in AA. And interestingly, it is NOT applied to people who are active in AA even if their behaviors are utterly reprehensible.
So I would argue that your ex was not a "dry drunk", she was simply an emotionally unhealthy person, and there is no evidence whatsover that her behavior would have been any better had she been more active in AA.
In any case, if she was this moody and emotionally unavailable, you are clearly better off without her. Painful though this is, your best bet is to do your grieving and move on.
Probably, and you, if you wish to continue with her, could check out Al-A-Non to help you cope with dealing with her and you.
Once you are an alcoholic you remain an alcoholic for ever. There is no such thing as a cured alcoholic.
The only remedy for a practicing alcoholic is to be come a non-practicing alcoholic. There is a saying that for an alcoholic one drink is too many and 100 is not enough.
A "dry drunk" is a non-practicing alcoholic. Becoming a teetotaler or non-practicing alcoholic is the only real solution for a practicing alcoholic.
Trying to drink in moderation is impossible for most alcoholics.