Tired of people expecting me to be happy?!
Question: Tired of people expecting me to be happy!?
I'm 8 weeks into an unexpected pregnancy, I'm 36 years old!. My children are 16 yrs and 11 yrs!. My husband is very excited about this baby, but I'm not!. I have very valid fears and concerns, first being about my health and my age and how it will effect the baby, secondly and probably most importantly, about our finances and how it will impact our entire family, and about all of our future plans now being gone by the wayside!. I am terrified that we will be ruined financially!. We may as well forget helping the oldest go to college now!. I am very much grieving the loss of our future more than anything!.
Everyone says how happy I'll be, or should be, and how blessed I am, but I don't feel blessed!. I feel sad beyond comprehension!. Right up until I saw the ultrasound today, I was praying that there was some mistake, that maybe I wasn't really pregnant, but, I am, and now the devastation is back!.
What do I say to people!? I'm embarrassed!. I haven't told my parents or the kids yet, and only a few friends know!. I just feel like my life is over!. Every time I think I'm beginning to accept it, I think about the fact that I'll be 54 years old by the time this baby graduates from high school!. I can't sleep, I can't eat!. I go to work, I go through the motions of life, and I lay around in a fog!. I just feel hopeless!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
Answers:
Wow, that's all pretty heavy and intense there, girl!. Pregnancy is NOT always a happy or planned event, as we both know!. A few things: In my experience, and I've raised two children by myself for the last 20 years, 1) very little is actually needed for children for a long time!. As a consumer culture we think we HAVE to go out and drop the big bucks constantly, or we're not "good" enough, we're not making it!. What's really true is that all the equipment you have to have is a car seat, diapers and enough seasonal clothing and bedding to keep your child warm or cool, depending upon the season it's born!. I found a rocking chair indispensable, and a small bureau to keep the baby's things in, but everything that's a thing can be either borrowed, bought at a thrift store or tag sale or will be given to you by family and friends!. Kids don't really start getting expensive until they start playing sports, and doing lots of afterschool activities, and even those can be budgeted for and planned (and done in moderation!.!.!.)
The second issue that comes up is this: Colleges are so incredibly expensive these days, that very few families can send their children to school w/out scholarships, loans and grants anyhow!. With another child to take care of, you are only now MORE eligible for financial assistance, not less eligible!. You would have been taking out the loans and applying for the scholarships anyway, wouldn't you have!? I do believe that there should be an issue of first come, first served in families, so yes, your eldest child will INDEED be able to go to school!. 36 is YOUNG!. I'm 45, and I'd like one more baby before my ovaries give up the ghost, so I'd be 63 when he or she graduated from HS, if I got started today (which I don't think I will be doing!.!.!.)!. I'm so glad for you that your husband is excited about this baby, so many times it's the opposite problem!. Hear me now, and believe me later: You, too, will come to love, and be incredibly excited about this baby!. You just need to give it time!. You don't have to say ANYTHING to "people"!. It's nobody's business but your immediate family's!. It's okay to lay around in a fog right now!. And what's also true is that you've done this at least twice, so there's not all that much "mystery" left to it (if you don't let there be!.!.!.)!. Having children is kind of a cure for wanting to have children!.!.!.It's its own form of birth-control for most of us out here in the trenches actually doing the job!. It sounds to me like you're in a very natural, normal and understandable place!. Have you a) considered getting some counseling or talking through all this w/ a therapist!? b) Have you considered having the conversation with your husband about an abortion or giving this child up for adoption!?!?!? I don't see that conversation as going very well, but there ARE options out there if you're dead set against going through w/ this pregnancy!. Whatever you choose to do or however you choose to deal in the next little while, if you find the depression and despair is not lifting or is getting worse, you MUST seek some help for yourself!. You're right!. This is about the next 20 years plus of your life!. You have a right to make some informed choices!. You have my support and infinite blessings with whatever you decide!. Considering the fact that you're not sure what you want to do yet, I would tell no one anything, until you're sure yourselves!. Email back and let us know how you're doing!. Many of us care a great deal about you and your family's well-being whether we've met you before or not!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
The second issue that comes up is this: Colleges are so incredibly expensive these days, that very few families can send their children to school w/out scholarships, loans and grants anyhow!. With another child to take care of, you are only now MORE eligible for financial assistance, not less eligible!. You would have been taking out the loans and applying for the scholarships anyway, wouldn't you have!? I do believe that there should be an issue of first come, first served in families, so yes, your eldest child will INDEED be able to go to school!. 36 is YOUNG!. I'm 45, and I'd like one more baby before my ovaries give up the ghost, so I'd be 63 when he or she graduated from HS, if I got started today (which I don't think I will be doing!.!.!.)!. I'm so glad for you that your husband is excited about this baby, so many times it's the opposite problem!. Hear me now, and believe me later: You, too, will come to love, and be incredibly excited about this baby!. You just need to give it time!. You don't have to say ANYTHING to "people"!. It's nobody's business but your immediate family's!. It's okay to lay around in a fog right now!. And what's also true is that you've done this at least twice, so there's not all that much "mystery" left to it (if you don't let there be!.!.!.)!. Having children is kind of a cure for wanting to have children!.!.!.It's its own form of birth-control for most of us out here in the trenches actually doing the job!. It sounds to me like you're in a very natural, normal and understandable place!. Have you a) considered getting some counseling or talking through all this w/ a therapist!? b) Have you considered having the conversation with your husband about an abortion or giving this child up for adoption!?!?!? I don't see that conversation as going very well, but there ARE options out there if you're dead set against going through w/ this pregnancy!. Whatever you choose to do or however you choose to deal in the next little while, if you find the depression and despair is not lifting or is getting worse, you MUST seek some help for yourself!. You're right!. This is about the next 20 years plus of your life!. You have a right to make some informed choices!. You have my support and infinite blessings with whatever you decide!. Considering the fact that you're not sure what you want to do yet, I would tell no one anything, until you're sure yourselves!. Email back and let us know how you're doing!. Many of us care a great deal about you and your family's well-being whether we've met you before or not!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
I can understand you being shocked and even disappointed!. Your last sentance though sounds like it might be a hormonal kind of depression!. I've felt that way myself and it's always been hormones!. Talk to your doctor about it!. I think you're hormones are out of whack!. It's worth a shot!. Www@Answer-Health@Com
Abortion or heavy drinking are the only waysWww@Answer-Health@Com
You have the right to feel what ever you want to feel!. It sounds like you are way better off than a lot of people!. I'm 40 !.I think you need to see a professional psychiatrist to help you cope!. I'm single and raising 3 daughters with no large savings or money to pay for college!. But my daughters will go, even if I have to work a second and a third job!. I pay rent and live from pay check to pay check!. I can't have anymore kids but as soon as I move from my 2 bedroom apartment to a bigger place, I have chosen to be a foster parent to those unfortunate!. You are blessed and just don't realized it!.Www@Answer-Health@Com