What do you think of the beginning of this story I wrote?!
Question: What do you think of the beginning of this story I wrote?
I landed at the bottom of the stairs with a bang. The smell of rust and soot filled the air. I couldn't really see anything, but I made out something like a fireplace in front of me and to the left, a big dresser like figure.
The thump of footsteps walking away from the closed door made me shake. I was breathing heavily and shivering.
I moved around to find something to grab onto to pull myself up. As I moved my hand on the wall I felt a soft little creature run by me. A few others ran past me and I was eager to get up. My ankle was broken or sprained so I kept searching for something to grab onto.
When I finally found something to pull myself up I grabbed onto it. I hauled myself up and looked for a light switch. That was easy to find.
When I looked around there were scraps of medal everywhere. To the left was a big metal refrigerator. Straight ahead of me was a fireplace. It looked used and there were still embers burning in it.
I couldn't walk so I just stood there and looked around. When I looked up the stairs all I saw was darkness and sad memories. On the ceiling there were damp, dusty pipes and a painting to the right of the fireplace. I couldn't really see it from where I was standing, but it looked dust and drab.
When I sat back down on the stairs I looked at my ankle. It was red and swollen. My feet were bleeding too. I was barefoot. I ripped 3 pieces of cloth off my jacket and rapped my ankle and feet in it.
I grabbed a long piece of medal so I could walk. I went straight to the refrigerator. I almost tripped on a piece of medal. When I looked at the medal I tripped on more closely my brain flooded with memories. The first thing that came into my mind was my 15th birthday.
It was a bright sunny day in December. I was walking with my camera to the Golden Gate Bridge. I was determined to win the photography contest. I new something was wrong though because it was sunny. No cloud in the sky. Just a big yellow sun.
Answers:
Dear, it doesn't matter how old you are. I've just turned thirteen.
Don't respond back with a "it's the first draft and you don't know what you're talking about" crap, because I'm going to give you an honest critique. With an honest critique, you state both the goods and the bads.
The goods are, the grammar is passable. Only passable. Like, A-in-English-class grammar. But...it doesn't flow very well. You definitely know what you want, but it's almost exactly like a grocery list in its current state.
It needs more detail and more commas. Compound sentences. Compound-Complex sentences. Independant and Dependant clauses. However, be careful not to use too much detail, because that can be just as bad as choppy sentences.
And one more small thing...why would she smell soot and the bottom of the stairs? Wouldn't it just be dust?
:) Helping young writers like myself.
This is a pretty good piece. I really like it. A lot.
The only thing I'd say to criticize it is that it sounds a bit too much like a list than a story. Not too much. Just a little.
Other than that, this is a very good story, and continue it if you can. :)