Too ashamed to ask anyone else?!
Question:
Too ashamed to ask anyone else?
i was molested when i was a child, after a while i would get this strange feeling inside and i felt so dirty. when i had my first orgasm it felt the same way....i felt dirty for a while when i had sex and had an orgasm....for a while i just didn't want to do it anymore!..my question is since the feeling was the same, could it have been an orgasm? i was only about nine or ten?
Answers:
Yes, it could have been an orgasm you were experiencing as a child. Children do have the ability to orgasm. However, that was too frightening for you to fully understand and accept as a child, so your memory probably did its best to block out that "dirty feeling" you've described. Now, you adult self is feeling something familiar (orgasm), but you have all these "dirty" and unwanted feelings attached to it. That must be painful and overwhelming for you.
I do hope that you have reached out for support as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. We can experience the effects of the abuse for a lifetime, so it's important for you to be able to get help and know that you're not alone. Unfortunately, so many women are victims of rape and sexual assault.
A good place to start is RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network). You can visit them online for live help at http://www.rainn.org or call 24/7 at 1-800-656-HOPE.
Remember that what happened to you was NOT your fault. Also realize that the feelings of shame and isolation are completely normal. You can get past this! Reach out for help----you deserve it. :)